Umbrellas

Umbrellas are a item that I have only just recently made sense of. They have been protecting us from the healthy misery that is the feeling of having soaked through clothes. 

At this point, I would say that umbrellas are evil items of manipulation, sent to Earth to give us a sense of ease so we are unprepared when the monsters that sent them strike, wiping all life on the planet out of existence, but the day before yesterday, I realized that umbrellas might be even more mysterious than I have been assuming (Not that they aren't evil items of manipulation, mind you).

It has come to my attention that there is a strange and idiotic mix-up in our pathetic Lemming-filled country. In my disgustingly wet country of Washington (I am at a loss to why they couldn't come up with a better name, and remember, George Washington was the reason why President Nixon could only be in office for eight years maximum), rain pours on my handsome head, and yet, nobody is buying any umbrellas to offer me when I sulk by their houses (Not that I ever do, mind you, I'm always inside my personal limo, toasty warm)! It would seem that you, Washington Lemmings, are content to bundle up in a jacket like a Eskimo, while I suffer (and by suffer, I mean complain that my personal bar tender is out of the ingredients for a Shirley Temple)! 

And then we have you Lemmings down in Florida and such. I hear that most of the population there is old crimbles who can't handle the freezing winters and nauseating springs of Washington. But this is what I am bamboozled about: if they can hardly bear the weight of a raindrop on their failing spines, then how can they possibly carry an umbrella? Yes, blog readers, despite there being hardly a drop of moisture in the state, it would seem the horrid impression of the miserable and uncaring state of Washington has forever left these "poor" Lemmings unable to tell the difference between hot and cold or black and white, and so they are buying three umbrellas per person for everyone in the state. And now that I think about it, what if Washington has the same problem, and that is why no one cares about poor moi. 

Lemmings, do not let this happen to you! Protect your worthless families, and do the right thing: move to Alaska, so I will never be bothered by you idiots or your pathetic ways ever again. Remember, blog readers, it's better to make me happy, than it to make me write more blogs telling you how stupid the human race is. 

Talk amongst yourselves!