Dolphins

Dolphins. Truly a pitiful species. They have not a clue what is going on on this horrid planet we call "Earth". But on the other hand, sharks - though they may be about the same size as the previous subject - are fully aware of what we are doing to their planet, and they have chosen to take action.  So today, I will reveal the truth about our smiling "friends", and reveal how sharks will bring me ever closer to succeeding in my plan for virtual world conquest. So I suppose that I should redo this blog's title as... 

Sharks and Dolphins (Notice I saved the WORST for last) part one 

Let's get this over with, Lemmings. Dolphins are a truly corrupt species that have not only been defying mankind the fantastic justice that is drowning, but also will bring the plot of "Terrinova" to come to be. First of all, the bad news. Lemmings, recently I watched my pitiful twin play through the first part of the "RPG" Bowser's Inside Story, and I couldn't help but notice that the game's villain, the pathetically un-creatively-designed "Fawful" (Yes, I suppose that is a spoiler. Live with it) had a wide and toothy smile, much like dolphins sport on their ugly mugs. So I then released that this could mean one of two things: either Fawful is a mutant  dolphin that came in contact with pollution, and that soon we will be crushed by green, red caped monstrosities, or that dolphins are fawfulized sharks that will destroy the very despicable planet we walk on in the near future. 

And now, the even worse news (About time): as you might have somehow heard, dolphins are very shiny. But what I'm sure you didn't know is this: believe it or not, you under-informed blog readers, the shiniest dolphins were actually used as solar power generators for the world's most evil dictators (Boy, they were smart)! It's true! A handful of dolphins actually are so shiny, when they break the surface, the sunlight bounces off their bodies, giving troops that have solar powered army vehicles the upper hand when they battle near the water or on the beach. And like many other animals, that same sunlight also raises the chance of global warming, bringing us one step closer to the impending doom that is traveling into a alternate time line and wrestling with dinosaurs.

Now I WOULD say at this point to do away with all the dolphins you see in your lifetime, but I say to keep them around for two reasons: one, I want one day to be a supreme blog dictator, so I need a un-environmentally friendly power source to power my unnecessary army weapons, and two: same answer as reason one, except I also need it to power my newest idea for a army weapon: the Shark Tank. 

Now it's time to talk about one of my favorite animals, and why it will help me take over the virtual universe of blogging one day. 

Sharks and Dolphins part two 

Sharks. They are truly one of the most intelligent creatures dwelling on the planet. Unlike dolphins, who are threatening to raise global warming world-wide, sharks are actually doing something about this threat. 

Imagine you are a worker at a car factory. Your company has just made the first hover car (Not like that's something to be proud of: they probably got the idea from planes), and have sold hundreds to many rich people the world over. To celebrate, you take your family of Lemmings on a cruise. When suddenly, In the middle of the atlantic, your ship hits a huge rock and it sinks to the bottom of the sea (Serves you right). And then, your lifeboat is surrounded by the mighty beings that are sharks, and you die a horrible death in their jaws. Why do you think they did that? Simply put, because of your job. That factory - and those like it - are pumping carbon di oxide into our blue skies! Do you truly think every single animal on the Earth would just stand back and let mankind destroy the world? NO! Lemmings, while dolphins might save these evil people, sharks know that if they let them live, they will do more bad than good! And that is also why they frequently consume dolphin! So these evil men and woman will not do anymore harm! Take it from me, people. There is not a single fish in the sea that is smarter than the shark. 

And here is how they will one day allow me to be the greatest blogger in history: first of all, when humans invent robots in a few years, I will ask (And maybe even bribe, if I have to) a large manufacturer to make me a tank-sized robot inspired by one of favorite fish: The Shark Tank. It will have jaws (Heh heh... "jaws") that could crush a car, robotic arms with hidden lasers in the fingers, a huge metal tail that could knock over a bus, all terrain, ice traction treads, and laser eyes (I suppose that's wishful thinking, but I'm sure that would be awesome to drive over you Lemmings). And then, second of all, if you Lemmings read this and suddenly realize that if you come up with a tank sized robot that I could take over the blogging universe, there's also another way sharks will help me rule: for many years, when my pitiful family buys H2O and sodas, I have secretly been stealing two from each box (It's only two because they're too observant for me to steal any more before they get suspicious).  And one day, I will fly over a flooded area in my private jet, and dump gallons of soda and water onto the flooded state, making it overflow over the mountains, and soon after flood the world! And then, even if some of you Lemmings know how to swim or have a boat, then you will either starve, or the sharks will get you! Yes, Lemmings, when this finally happens, sharks will not have boundaries! They will be able to find you everywhere you go! And I will only save mankind from this disaster if they swear that my name will go down in history as "The Greatest Blogger, Maximilian Forge"! 

...But the only problem is, that I am infatuated with soda! And I always seem to forget to steal the water bottles! So, blog readers, the next time you get water, set aside some to mail to yours truly. And remember: it's better to have a planet dominated by sharks, than it is to have a planet dominated by grinning Fawful henchmen. 

Talk amongst yourselves!