Air

Air. It's what keeps magnificent me alive, and sadly, my siblings, and, of course, you. However, today we will be disguising a side of oxygen you've never seen.

Lemmings, we live on a filthy planet. Smog, trash and germs are everywhere. And where does the stench of all that compost and toxins levitate into? The air. And who breaths this air? You. That's right, Lemmings. Every day you are inhaling gallons of pollutants into your horrid body's system! And what if a microscopic bug is flying in your vicinity? It'll be  sucked right into your inhaling mouth! Truly, Lemmings. Do you really want that? Everyday sucking  pollutants into your body by inhaling like a pink marshmallow who fights disturbing evil beings (Mind you, I don't believe in "video games". I see them for what they really are: mind-numbing wastes of time that only someone of an inferior intellect would enjoy [Like my pathetic brother, Maxo Idiot]), and eats multiple members of it's cousin species for no reason?

I'm guessing you don't. At this point, I would make clear to you how you can fix your fumbles and join one of the many people that been liberated from their stupidity through my ingenious blogs of positive manipulation of your life, but sadly it would appear that if every idiot on the planet holds their breath for the whole of their lives, I would not have much to rule when I dominate and seize control of the internet. So here's what I, the great Maximilian, recommend: you have all heard of the so-called "air freshener." it is a object of falsehood, which fools use to manipulate their friends, family, and random people Fabreeze brings into a dump of a building blind-folded into believing that they are in a lovely seaside mansion in Hilton Head, instead of a large-pile-of-garbage-side crumbling tool shed in a garbage dump located in who-knows-where. But here is my ingenious idea: literally PURIFY the air. And best of all, you don't have to wait for an idiot in a lab coat to invent such a device, because you can do it yourself, AT HOME, for only a large amount of the worthless green paper known as "money" (I'll discuss that in dew time). Here's how: the first step is to buy as much duct-tape - or other such items - you can possibly buy, and lock your doors and windows. Then, have your pitiful family apply the objects/pieces of the object (If it's tape) onto every surface that could possibly let in air. Be sure there are no leaks (I advise double or triple coating). However, leave one opening untouched. This is for your other relatives to bring you the food you tell them to buy for you (Be sure to keep your family out of whatever room that breech is in, otherwise they will once again be inhaling pollution and bugs like Kirby [Or is it Keeby... Oh forget it]). It would be more convenient for your food deliverers and you'd get your food delivered faster if you choose a lower window or pet door, but I would suggest a higher one, or an attic window. You'll get your food much slower, but I'm sure it'll be worth it when you watch them try to find a way onto the roof. If you happen to have one of those beasts known as a dog living in your house, then before you start blocking the evil that is air out of your house, recreate your yard in your living room (In other words, move your furniture into another room, shovel dirt over the floor, plant some grass seeds in it, move your dog's doghouse inside, move in your flower pots, paint the sky on the wall, build a replaca of your house, you get the idea. It's probably not easy, [I don't test the results of my intelligence] but it's worth it, for you see, Lemmings, after that, you never have to leave the house again). I wouldn't encourage inviting guests over or holding parties, as it would let all the germs that the guests have been breathing into your house once more. Now, there you have the perfect plan to stand up to the air, and the horrid things that it carries.

Now, the last step is to determine what you will use to seal up those air breeches. So you'd better... talk amongst yourselves!