Hello, my lemming followers. Today we will discuss one of the most idiotic things that lemming-kind has ever used their tiny minds to come up with. The "constellation" (Don't ask, I don't get how you came up with that either) known as Ursa Major and Ursa Minor.
I'd like to begin that saying that I do not only harbor resentment for these two clusters of stars. I am only pointing out this pair because just this example will be more than enough to prove my point, and if I wrote about the others this blog would have to be a two-parter. But enough introduction. On to the reason this blog was about stars instead of paintings, cookies, or even - *shudder!* - wheel-shaped pasta noodles! I HATE those horrid little WHEELS!!! How can anyone eat them when they look like one of the four things on your car that roll through mud, dust, and nuclear waste?! ...But that's a blog for another time. Oh yes. My point.
Ursa Major. Easily one of my top five least favorite star formations. First of all, it's story is just horrible! The king of the gods, Zeus, is attracted to a nymph named Callisto. Now Hera, who was jealous of this, turned Callisto into a bear. Later, Callisto happened apon her son Arcas. The little brat tries to shoot that aforementioned ugly old bear, and Zeus then turns Arcas into a bear and sends them into the heavens to prevent the horrible fate. I suppose it isn't too bad a tale (I'm a big fan of jealousy and drama), but then it's happy ending has to be ruined by the two bears getting shot into space to live happily ever after as Ursa Major and Ursa Minor (Or something, I'm not sure what it's like being transformed into flaming gasses that burn any rocket ship that comes near it). Second, Ursa Major's design is flawed. If you look at it's original formation, it's "head" is pointed and it looks like Myrmecophaga Tridactyla Major. And if you look at it from it's more recent formation then not all of it's head is shown. And what is shown makes it's head bigger than it's body! Ridiculous! Oh, yes... and of course there's the fact that there are TWO HUGE BEARS floating around in the sky that could swoop down and eat a super market at any moment! Obviously, THIS is how we will end come December twenty one, two-thousand twelve! Those two bears will pounce on the earth, eat a lot of screaming lemmings, snatch up some important person, climb a tall building, then fall off of it, with the resulting shock wave killing us all.
Blog readers, hear my warning to all of you! We must prepare for the day these horrible creatures return to the earth! Upgrade our weapons! Make huge bear traps! And while those lemmings work on our offensive, all of the other viewers of my blog must work on rocket ships to escape the planet should the worst happen! Lemmings, we will not go down without a fight! Together, we will defeat those monsters, and I guarantee that come the dawn of a new day, there will be bear fur coats for all! ...Of course, then I will write a blog about fur coats so that I won't have to see bear fur brown every second of the day.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Tom Tita
Today, instead of helping YOU correct your mistakes, I am correcting one of MINE (However, this is something I don't do often; this is my first "mistake" in ten mouths). You see, while I was addressing the problem-- no, THREAT of the hideous evil that is the cat, I forgot to mention my personal example of the common cat's evil traits. Yes, at long last there is a problem in this world which I have witnessed, and seen face-to-face, eye-to-eye (Well, maybe not EXACTLY eye-to-eye, but I'm sure you get the point by now). Yes, blog readers, it's none other than Tom Tita.
The fact is, Lemmings, is that when people tell you that cats will one transform into monsters, aliens or other horrid beasts and over-throw the government, it either means they are insane, experiencing hallucinations, writing a good horror story, or are reading my blogs. Truer words were never spoken. Cats ARE evil, they ARE going to over-throw the government, and they CAN transform into horrid things (That'll give some of you nightmares). And who do you think the under-cover leader of these horrible invaders from the darkest depths of evil is? None other than Tom Tita. I mean, really, Lemmings. First of all, those freaky rainbow lights. What is their secret? Let me tell you: they are OBVIOUSLY the most powerful lasers alien technology can make, set on very, very low power as a warning to all who come near! Next, that cat carrier is like a cat carrier from hell! I mean, really: IT'S PITCH BLACK!!!! What more proof do you need? It is, without a doubt, the evil general (Tom Tita, for all the idiots who don't get that "Double T" - as my pathetic brother, Lemming Forge calls him - is a evil alien leader)'s private spaceship, hidden away in it's secret hanger in the basement of the strange and insane Crazy Cat Lady's house, who must be one of the other alien generals in a human disguise, and that is why she has so many of the vile creatures around (And I suspect she called in my sister so her army could capture her, and bring her back to their home world. Sadly, however, they apparently failed).
Lemmings, I have tried to warn my clueless brother about this threat, but he doesn't believe me. Do not let these monsters fool you, as well! Cats are evil and vile creatures that read about all your secrets when you aren't looking, and will one day use them to destroy the world! I can report multiple people who have tried to warn you about the evil of cats, and yet you don't listen! Well, come back to your senses, blog readers! Get rid of your cats, and show "Tom Tita" that he can't control us anymore! If we take action now, we will win this war before it starts! Do not let these monsters win!
I leave you now, to talk amongst yourselves.
The fact is, Lemmings, is that when people tell you that cats will one transform into monsters, aliens or other horrid beasts and over-throw the government, it either means they are insane, experiencing hallucinations, writing a good horror story, or are reading my blogs. Truer words were never spoken. Cats ARE evil, they ARE going to over-throw the government, and they CAN transform into horrid things (That'll give some of you nightmares). And who do you think the under-cover leader of these horrible invaders from the darkest depths of evil is? None other than Tom Tita. I mean, really, Lemmings. First of all, those freaky rainbow lights. What is their secret? Let me tell you: they are OBVIOUSLY the most powerful lasers alien technology can make, set on very, very low power as a warning to all who come near! Next, that cat carrier is like a cat carrier from hell! I mean, really: IT'S PITCH BLACK!!!! What more proof do you need? It is, without a doubt, the evil general (Tom Tita, for all the idiots who don't get that "Double T" - as my pathetic brother, Lemming Forge calls him - is a evil alien leader)'s private spaceship, hidden away in it's secret hanger in the basement of the strange and insane Crazy Cat Lady's house, who must be one of the other alien generals in a human disguise, and that is why she has so many of the vile creatures around (And I suspect she called in my sister so her army could capture her, and bring her back to their home world. Sadly, however, they apparently failed).
Lemmings, I have tried to warn my clueless brother about this threat, but he doesn't believe me. Do not let these monsters fool you, as well! Cats are evil and vile creatures that read about all your secrets when you aren't looking, and will one day use them to destroy the world! I can report multiple people who have tried to warn you about the evil of cats, and yet you don't listen! Well, come back to your senses, blog readers! Get rid of your cats, and show "Tom Tita" that he can't control us anymore! If we take action now, we will win this war before it starts! Do not let these monsters win!
I leave you now, to talk amongst yourselves.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Air
Air. It's what keeps magnificent me alive, and sadly, my siblings, and, of course, you. However, today we will be disguising a side of oxygen you've never seen.
Lemmings, we live on a filthy planet. Smog, trash and germs are everywhere. And where does the stench of all that compost and toxins levitate into? The air. And who breaths this air? You. That's right, Lemmings. Every day you are inhaling gallons of pollutants into your horrid body's system! And what if a microscopic bug is flying in your vicinity? It'll be sucked right into your inhaling mouth! Truly, Lemmings. Do you really want that? Everyday sucking pollutants into your body by inhaling like a pink marshmallow who fights disturbing evil beings (Mind you, I don't believe in "video games". I see them for what they really are: mind-numbing wastes of time that only someone of an inferior intellect would enjoy [Like my pathetic brother, Maxo Idiot]), and eats multiple members of it's cousin species for no reason?
I'm guessing you don't. At this point, I would make clear to you how you can fix your fumbles and join one of the many people that been liberated from their stupidity through my ingenious blogs of positive manipulation of your life, but sadly it would appear that if every idiot on the planet holds their breath for the whole of their lives, I would not have much to rule when I dominate and seize control of the internet. So here's what I, the great Maximilian, recommend: you have all heard of the so-called "air freshener." it is a object of falsehood, which fools use to manipulate their friends, family, and random people Fabreeze brings into a dump of a building blind-folded into believing that they are in a lovely seaside mansion in Hilton Head, instead of a large-pile-of-garbage-side crumbling tool shed in a garbage dump located in who-knows-where. But here is my ingenious idea: literally PURIFY the air. And best of all, you don't have to wait for an idiot in a lab coat to invent such a device, because you can do it yourself, AT HOME, for only a large amount of the worthless green paper known as "money" (I'll discuss that in dew time). Here's how: the first step is to buy as much duct-tape - or other such items - you can possibly buy, and lock your doors and windows. Then, have your pitiful family apply the objects/pieces of the object (If it's tape) onto every surface that could possibly let in air. Be sure there are no leaks (I advise double or triple coating). However, leave one opening untouched. This is for your other relatives to bring you the food you tell them to buy for you (Be sure to keep your family out of whatever room that breech is in, otherwise they will once again be inhaling pollution and bugs like Kirby [Or is it Keeby... Oh forget it]). It would be more convenient for your food deliverers and you'd get your food delivered faster if you choose a lower window or pet door, but I would suggest a higher one, or an attic window. You'll get your food much slower, but I'm sure it'll be worth it when you watch them try to find a way onto the roof. If you happen to have one of those beasts known as a dog living in your house, then before you start blocking the evil that is air out of your house, recreate your yard in your living room (In other words, move your furniture into another room, shovel dirt over the floor, plant some grass seeds in it, move your dog's doghouse inside, move in your flower pots, paint the sky on the wall, build a replaca of your house, you get the idea. It's probably not easy, [I don't test the results of my intelligence] but it's worth it, for you see, Lemmings, after that, you never have to leave the house again). I wouldn't encourage inviting guests over or holding parties, as it would let all the germs that the guests have been breathing into your house once more. Now, there you have the perfect plan to stand up to the air, and the horrid things that it carries.
Now, the last step is to determine what you will use to seal up those air breeches. So you'd better... talk amongst yourselves!
Lemmings, we live on a filthy planet. Smog, trash and germs are everywhere. And where does the stench of all that compost and toxins levitate into? The air. And who breaths this air? You. That's right, Lemmings. Every day you are inhaling gallons of pollutants into your horrid body's system! And what if a microscopic bug is flying in your vicinity? It'll be sucked right into your inhaling mouth! Truly, Lemmings. Do you really want that? Everyday sucking pollutants into your body by inhaling like a pink marshmallow who fights disturbing evil beings (Mind you, I don't believe in "video games". I see them for what they really are: mind-numbing wastes of time that only someone of an inferior intellect would enjoy [Like my pathetic brother, Maxo Idiot]), and eats multiple members of it's cousin species for no reason?
I'm guessing you don't. At this point, I would make clear to you how you can fix your fumbles and join one of the many people that been liberated from their stupidity through my ingenious blogs of positive manipulation of your life, but sadly it would appear that if every idiot on the planet holds their breath for the whole of their lives, I would not have much to rule when I dominate and seize control of the internet. So here's what I, the great Maximilian, recommend: you have all heard of the so-called "air freshener." it is a object of falsehood, which fools use to manipulate their friends, family, and random people Fabreeze brings into a dump of a building blind-folded into believing that they are in a lovely seaside mansion in Hilton Head, instead of a large-pile-of-garbage-side crumbling tool shed in a garbage dump located in who-knows-where. But here is my ingenious idea: literally PURIFY the air. And best of all, you don't have to wait for an idiot in a lab coat to invent such a device, because you can do it yourself, AT HOME, for only a large amount of the worthless green paper known as "money" (I'll discuss that in dew time). Here's how: the first step is to buy as much duct-tape - or other such items - you can possibly buy, and lock your doors and windows. Then, have your pitiful family apply the objects/pieces of the object (If it's tape) onto every surface that could possibly let in air. Be sure there are no leaks (I advise double or triple coating). However, leave one opening untouched. This is for your other relatives to bring you the food you tell them to buy for you (Be sure to keep your family out of whatever room that breech is in, otherwise they will once again be inhaling pollution and bugs like Kirby [Or is it Keeby... Oh forget it]). It would be more convenient for your food deliverers and you'd get your food delivered faster if you choose a lower window or pet door, but I would suggest a higher one, or an attic window. You'll get your food much slower, but I'm sure it'll be worth it when you watch them try to find a way onto the roof. If you happen to have one of those beasts known as a dog living in your house, then before you start blocking the evil that is air out of your house, recreate your yard in your living room (In other words, move your furniture into another room, shovel dirt over the floor, plant some grass seeds in it, move your dog's doghouse inside, move in your flower pots, paint the sky on the wall, build a replaca of your house, you get the idea. It's probably not easy, [I don't test the results of my intelligence] but it's worth it, for you see, Lemmings, after that, you never have to leave the house again). I wouldn't encourage inviting guests over or holding parties, as it would let all the germs that the guests have been breathing into your house once more. Now, there you have the perfect plan to stand up to the air, and the horrid things that it carries.
Now, the last step is to determine what you will use to seal up those air breeches. So you'd better... talk amongst yourselves!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
"Twilight" vs "Milk"
Sadly -- and by sadly I mean sobbing uncontrollably, writhing on the floor in emotional agony while incoherently weeping "mommy" in a lyrical foreign language -- I am not yet old enough to legally see most movies without either the express permission of my maternal unit or her actual presence in a theater chair somewhere in the same dark room as me. Since I, not unlike Stewie of some renown, have never trusted the intentions of the woman who was my portal into this world (my distrust primarily rooted in her inability to cook a decent mac and cheese casserole like other decent American mothers and her unduly love of all things Buffy the Vampire Slayer [do not believe my sister is named Faith after the amorphous sense of believing in something we cannot see or touch no matter what the half-pint tells you in a YouTube]), I have as much interest in going to a movie with my mother as I do in being dipped in hot peanut butter with mousy chunks and flung into a pit of poisonous snakes... who love peanut butter.
That being said, and said quite eloquently I might add, I was not able to legally see any of the "Twilight" films or the film "Milk." After a certain amount of research, consisting of two Google searches and seven searches on Bing for antacid (which led me to a home brew recipe for an excellent anti-corrosive for large scale Naval battle ships [which I was stunned to find has nothing whatsoever to do with ship charms that dangle from belly button piercings, a topic which has always fascinated and repulsed me in equal measure]), I found that actually seeing a movie has no bearing on whether or not one can effectively review it. As a matter of fact, it appears that every reviewer working for [CENSORED] Magazine, for instance, has signed a waiver stating they guarantee they will not set foot in a house of popcorn but rather review every movie by standing outside, no matter what the weather, simply staring at the film's poster while being hand fed jelly beans by Republican hopefuls (of which there are fewer every day, it sadly seems).
And so it is with great expertise and candor that I now make this ground shaking announcement:
The "Twilight" movies suck eggs and "Milk" was the best film ever written.
If, by any twist of fate, you have given birth to a Mormon child, rest assured that you have a fifty percent chance that said child will grow up to write the best film ever written. Of course, that leaves the remaining fifty percent possibility that said offspring will "mature" (those quotes have never been more intentional) to write about ancient, pasty, high school pedophile vampires with sparkles that are worthy of a young girl's immortal soul and teenage werewolves with rippling muscles and gentle romantic hearts worthy of Taylor Swift who find an eternal mate in an infant. Mind you, to increase your chances of your progeny producing an emotionally rich, stunningly honest and spiritually satisfying film, have male offspring listen to loops of Taylor Swift songs or have female offspring learn every Melissa Etheridge song on kazoo.
If you feel that the "Twilight" films cannot possibly be blamed on the author of the "Twilight" books, or you feel that the books and films were harmless escapism for all ages and to brood is to be manly, or should you believe that Tom Cruise had every right and reason to sit his taut buttocks on the rights to Harvey Milk's biography, than this is a free country (God bless us, every one) and you are quite free to...
...talk amongst yourselves.
That being said, and said quite eloquently I might add, I was not able to legally see any of the "Twilight" films or the film "Milk." After a certain amount of research, consisting of two Google searches and seven searches on Bing for antacid (which led me to a home brew recipe for an excellent anti-corrosive for large scale Naval battle ships [which I was stunned to find has nothing whatsoever to do with ship charms that dangle from belly button piercings, a topic which has always fascinated and repulsed me in equal measure]), I found that actually seeing a movie has no bearing on whether or not one can effectively review it. As a matter of fact, it appears that every reviewer working for [CENSORED] Magazine, for instance, has signed a waiver stating they guarantee they will not set foot in a house of popcorn but rather review every movie by standing outside, no matter what the weather, simply staring at the film's poster while being hand fed jelly beans by Republican hopefuls (of which there are fewer every day, it sadly seems).
And so it is with great expertise and candor that I now make this ground shaking announcement:
The "Twilight" movies suck eggs and "Milk" was the best film ever written.
If, by any twist of fate, you have given birth to a Mormon child, rest assured that you have a fifty percent chance that said child will grow up to write the best film ever written. Of course, that leaves the remaining fifty percent possibility that said offspring will "mature" (those quotes have never been more intentional) to write about ancient, pasty, high school pedophile vampires with sparkles that are worthy of a young girl's immortal soul and teenage werewolves with rippling muscles and gentle romantic hearts worthy of Taylor Swift who find an eternal mate in an infant. Mind you, to increase your chances of your progeny producing an emotionally rich, stunningly honest and spiritually satisfying film, have male offspring listen to loops of Taylor Swift songs or have female offspring learn every Melissa Etheridge song on kazoo.
If you feel that the "Twilight" films cannot possibly be blamed on the author of the "Twilight" books, or you feel that the books and films were harmless escapism for all ages and to brood is to be manly, or should you believe that Tom Cruise had every right and reason to sit his taut buttocks on the rights to Harvey Milk's biography, than this is a free country (God bless us, every one) and you are quite free to...
...talk amongst yourselves.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Cat Eyebrows
Today, we take a spin in my limousine (Which I now plan to put a shark tank inside of) down memory lane, as we revisit one of my first complaints about life: the cat. But we are not talking about the cat itself, mind you. Today, we are talking about the cat's cleverly hidden... EYEBROWS!!!!
Before continuing, take a look at a cat (Or open a picture of a cat on Google. You'll see what I mean [Not that I actually do anything on Google for real, mind you]). You will no doubtedly notice the mustache that we call "Whiskers." (Really, Lemmings? WHISKERS?! What, did cats at one point in time use them to whisk eggs for their masters?) But look closely above their eyes. And what should you see? Nothing other then CAT EYEBROWS! These disgusting things look like whiskers gone mad! They are the same color as a cat mustache (Pardon, "WHISKERS"), but they tower upwards like bug antennae! And think about it; what if on those skinny little threads are microscopic eyes, observing everything we do... finding how to get into your room un-detected... discovering all your secrets (This is made easier for them if you tell them willingly)... until one day... THEY WILL KILL YOU ALL!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!! ...Couldn't resist.
Would you really just stand back and watch as a alien brigade takes over the universe? ...Yes? You're lazy. ...No? You either are heroic, or you have a death wish. But either way, take action! Do away with your "Fluffs", and it might not be too late! And remember: there might be such a thing as a HOT dog, but there isn't such a thing as a COOL cat.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Before continuing, take a look at a cat (Or open a picture of a cat on Google. You'll see what I mean [Not that I actually do anything on Google for real, mind you]). You will no doubtedly notice the mustache that we call "Whiskers." (Really, Lemmings? WHISKERS?! What, did cats at one point in time use them to whisk eggs for their masters?) But look closely above their eyes. And what should you see? Nothing other then CAT EYEBROWS! These disgusting things look like whiskers gone mad! They are the same color as a cat mustache (Pardon, "WHISKERS"), but they tower upwards like bug antennae! And think about it; what if on those skinny little threads are microscopic eyes, observing everything we do... finding how to get into your room un-detected... discovering all your secrets (This is made easier for them if you tell them willingly)... until one day... THEY WILL KILL YOU ALL!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!! ...Couldn't resist.
Would you really just stand back and watch as a alien brigade takes over the universe? ...Yes? You're lazy. ...No? You either are heroic, or you have a death wish. But either way, take action! Do away with your "Fluffs", and it might not be too late! And remember: there might be such a thing as a HOT dog, but there isn't such a thing as a COOL cat.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Stoplights
Stoplights. Why, oh why did someone come up with such a horrible idea? But he/she/they did, and here we are.
A long time ago, we didn't have stoplights. We had police men, who would stand in the middle of a road, direct traffic, and on occasion, get splattered over someone's windshield (I just love it when those disgusting things happen to some unlucky driver... as long as it isn't my driver). But now we have traffic lights, or, stoplights. And you can't watch a stoplight get splattered over a windshield (Although you CAN watch someone's car hood ripped off in one second flat). And the worst part is, they bring order to intersections, letting you ENJOY driving (I can't stand it when people sing along to the radio, or have the peace of mind to actually TALK while at the wheel)!
However, imagine what would happen if someone - like yours truly - TOOK AWAY the stoplights! There would be total CHAOS!!! Cars would be stuck in traffic for hours, with traffic leading right around town! Trailer trucks would crash into one another, making further delay by blocking the roads! And I would only restore order to the world if the Lemmings of the planet made me supreme blogger! HA HA HA HA HA!!!
...Only problem is, the city would simply as the traffic light companies to replace the missing lights! So, blog readers, I not-so-humbly ask you to suggest that traffic light companies all be blown to pieces by atomic bombs.
Talk amongst yourselves, but don't consider traveling by plane instead.
A long time ago, we didn't have stoplights. We had police men, who would stand in the middle of a road, direct traffic, and on occasion, get splattered over someone's windshield (I just love it when those disgusting things happen to some unlucky driver... as long as it isn't my driver). But now we have traffic lights, or, stoplights. And you can't watch a stoplight get splattered over a windshield (Although you CAN watch someone's car hood ripped off in one second flat). And the worst part is, they bring order to intersections, letting you ENJOY driving (I can't stand it when people sing along to the radio, or have the peace of mind to actually TALK while at the wheel)!
However, imagine what would happen if someone - like yours truly - TOOK AWAY the stoplights! There would be total CHAOS!!! Cars would be stuck in traffic for hours, with traffic leading right around town! Trailer trucks would crash into one another, making further delay by blocking the roads! And I would only restore order to the world if the Lemmings of the planet made me supreme blogger! HA HA HA HA HA!!!
...Only problem is, the city would simply as the traffic light companies to replace the missing lights! So, blog readers, I not-so-humbly ask you to suggest that traffic light companies all be blown to pieces by atomic bombs.
Talk amongst yourselves, but don't consider traveling by plane instead.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Cow Udders
A cow's udder. What a nauseating and horrid thing. Today, we find out why cow milk should be banned from the state (I mean other then the fact that cow udders are nauseating and horrid)
Here's the truth, Lemmings: long ago (At least, according to some unconfirmed information on a fake history website that I read about when I was five years old), the white liquid you idiotically call "milk" actually came from a fruit (No, Lemmings, not "coconut milk." REAL milk)! Then, one day, while I was in the super market, I looked one of the many brands of milk that we didn't buy, and - oh, the horror! - what did I see on that canister? A COW!!!!! NOT A FRUIT (Or vegetable, for that matter)!!!!! I quickly re-located that (False) history website (Only a few days later it was taken down), andI found out that in the times of Rome, cows were all pitch black, and were war animals. But they made the mistake of feeding them the milk fruit for energy! At first, all was well. But then, the cows suddenly began to turn white, with only spots of black left on them! And when the battle began, instead of having pathetic soldier lemmings ride them into battle, they ran to the milk fruit trees, and ate every last one! However, they suddenly realized that their stomachs couldn't digest so much milk! And so, it went to their utters, and to this day, we have to help them get all the milk out of them that THEY couldn't handle (Also, that's the website's excuse to why there's no more of these "milk fruits")
Why should WE have to help them with THEIR problems? It seems like a waste of time to me! If you agree, blog readers, then stop milking your cows, and start making them into hamburgers. And think about it: isn't it disturbing that you're drinking something that came out of an animal (Although some of you lemmings think it tastes fine, and know that utters are clean)?
Personally, I prefer SOY milk. For it appears that some of you slightly intelligent lemmings have found what the milk fruit has evolved into: the soy bean. I mean, really. It tastes great, it comes in different flavors, you can even put strawberry or chocolate syrup, and it still tastes gr-- OH *bleep*! Lemmings, forgive me! I was actually saying that I approve of something people actually LIKE!!! It must have been my pitiful brother, Maxo Lemming Forge! He must have brainwashed me in my sleep! Well, no more, Lemmings! Now I will lie, and say soy milk sucks, and that all milk must be wiped off the face of the Earth (But seriously, blog readers: spare the soy milk).
Talk amongst yourselves!
Here's the truth, Lemmings: long ago (At least, according to some unconfirmed information on a fake history website that I read about when I was five years old), the white liquid you idiotically call "milk" actually came from a fruit (No, Lemmings, not "coconut milk." REAL milk)! Then, one day, while I was in the super market, I looked one of the many brands of milk that we didn't buy, and - oh, the horror! - what did I see on that canister? A COW!!!!! NOT A FRUIT (Or vegetable, for that matter)!!!!! I quickly re-located that (False) history website (Only a few days later it was taken down), andI found out that in the times of Rome, cows were all pitch black, and were war animals. But they made the mistake of feeding them the milk fruit for energy! At first, all was well. But then, the cows suddenly began to turn white, with only spots of black left on them! And when the battle began, instead of having pathetic soldier lemmings ride them into battle, they ran to the milk fruit trees, and ate every last one! However, they suddenly realized that their stomachs couldn't digest so much milk! And so, it went to their utters, and to this day, we have to help them get all the milk out of them that THEY couldn't handle (Also, that's the website's excuse to why there's no more of these "milk fruits")
Why should WE have to help them with THEIR problems? It seems like a waste of time to me! If you agree, blog readers, then stop milking your cows, and start making them into hamburgers. And think about it: isn't it disturbing that you're drinking something that came out of an animal (Although some of you lemmings think it tastes fine, and know that utters are clean)?
Personally, I prefer SOY milk. For it appears that some of you slightly intelligent lemmings have found what the milk fruit has evolved into: the soy bean. I mean, really. It tastes great, it comes in different flavors, you can even put strawberry or chocolate syrup, and it still tastes gr-- OH *bleep*! Lemmings, forgive me! I was actually saying that I approve of something people actually LIKE!!! It must have been my pitiful brother, Maxo Lemming Forge! He must have brainwashed me in my sleep! Well, no more, Lemmings! Now I will lie, and say soy milk sucks, and that all milk must be wiped off the face of the Earth (But seriously, blog readers: spare the soy milk).
Talk amongst yourselves!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Chocolate
Chocolate
Chocolate. It is certainly one of the world's most horrific entities. Those sme of you misguided Lemmings try to hide it's true and disusting nature by filling it with wafer, peanut butter, or air bubbles (The last one being more recent then the other two), it doesn't change the fact that chocolate will eventually destroy us all.
And the explanation to that statement is why I'm here today. So either, A: sit down with a cup of coffee, and get a dark chocolate bar from wherever you keep your candy, but if you don't have those and don't want to waste money on evil things, then B: start up your computer, open two different windows, go to Bing (Not Google, they're better, but if something is better, it means it's evil) and on one open a picture of black coffee, and on the other open a picture of un-shredded dark chocolate (Don't continue reading until you've done one of the previous, unless you have no computer, in which case you should chose C: [That is NOT a smile face] ask a trustworthy friend to loan you the fore mentioned items of evil, or D: [That may look like a unhappy face to you idiotic YouTube users, but it's not] just take my take my honest word for it [Just in case you don't have any friends]), and look at them closely. Unless you are in need of glasses, or forgot to put your strange half spheres known as "contacts" in your "beautiful" eyes this mourning, they should be about the same color: dark brown (Actually, the coffee should be kind of more black than brown, but whatever). And what does this mean? It means that chocolate is from the same hellish world that coffee originates from! "But surely it must be a coincidence!" you say. Well, here's something that might make you reconsider that statement: when "enjoying" a cup of hot coffee, it is not uncommon for a Lemming to have a chocolate item on the side. And think about it; those two evil monsters are no doubt relaying information between their squadrons (By their squadronS, I mean the squadron of coffee, and the squadron of chocolate)! And here's something to bring you back to reality: you might be able to bite right through chocolate ICE CREAM, but - as I recently have found out - the cocoa BEAN does not go down as easily. It's flavor is described as, and I quote: "Intense, and borders on bitter, since there no added sugar or cocoa butter (Or butter) as you are most likely used to when you consume commercial chocolate products." (Words from the Max: if you somehow find the intelligence to go on Google and find the place I quoted from, don't scroll lower than the quote, or you will most certainly die the next evening [And don't you DARE say I went to GOOGLE. I meant to write Bing]) And what does THAT tell us? It's showing us that, unlike their comrade hell beasts, coffee, chocolate will not go down without a fight! And if they're even more evil then coffee, one of the most un-blessed creations in the universe, nay, the cosmos, there is no questioning the fact they are a team of destruction (I must remember to recruit a Milkyway bar and a mug of Folgers coffee with lots of cream into my universe conquering armies)
Fortunately, in ten years or so, coffee will be almost extinct! And how will that be possible? Why because of YOU, Lemmings! When you chop down coffee trees to make room for your abodes, you are raising chocolate costs to the point of when a Hershys chocolate bar will replace caviar as one of the most expensive edible items the world! But, sadly, chocolate's cousin, white chocolate, will live on (Looks like I might have to settle for a white chocolate Kit Kat). But remember, blog readers, enjoy your evil food items while they last, for they won't be around much longer. Oh, and the same thing goes for you.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Chocolate. It is certainly one of the world's most horrific entities. Those sme of you misguided Lemmings try to hide it's true and disusting nature by filling it with wafer, peanut butter, or air bubbles (The last one being more recent then the other two), it doesn't change the fact that chocolate will eventually destroy us all.
And the explanation to that statement is why I'm here today. So either, A: sit down with a cup of coffee, and get a dark chocolate bar from wherever you keep your candy, but if you don't have those and don't want to waste money on evil things, then B: start up your computer, open two different windows, go to Bing (Not Google, they're better, but if something is better, it means it's evil) and on one open a picture of black coffee, and on the other open a picture of un-shredded dark chocolate (Don't continue reading until you've done one of the previous, unless you have no computer, in which case you should chose C: [That is NOT a smile face] ask a trustworthy friend to loan you the fore mentioned items of evil, or D: [That may look like a unhappy face to you idiotic YouTube users, but it's not] just take my take my honest word for it [Just in case you don't have any friends]), and look at them closely. Unless you are in need of glasses, or forgot to put your strange half spheres known as "contacts" in your "beautiful" eyes this mourning, they should be about the same color: dark brown (Actually, the coffee should be kind of more black than brown, but whatever). And what does this mean? It means that chocolate is from the same hellish world that coffee originates from! "But surely it must be a coincidence!" you say. Well, here's something that might make you reconsider that statement: when "enjoying" a cup of hot coffee, it is not uncommon for a Lemming to have a chocolate item on the side. And think about it; those two evil monsters are no doubt relaying information between their squadrons (By their squadronS, I mean the squadron of coffee, and the squadron of chocolate)! And here's something to bring you back to reality: you might be able to bite right through chocolate ICE CREAM, but - as I recently have found out - the cocoa BEAN does not go down as easily. It's flavor is described as, and I quote: "Intense, and borders on bitter, since there no added sugar or cocoa butter (Or butter) as you are most likely used to when you consume commercial chocolate products." (Words from the Max: if you somehow find the intelligence to go on Google and find the place I quoted from, don't scroll lower than the quote, or you will most certainly die the next evening [And don't you DARE say I went to GOOGLE. I meant to write Bing]) And what does THAT tell us? It's showing us that, unlike their comrade hell beasts, coffee, chocolate will not go down without a fight! And if they're even more evil then coffee, one of the most un-blessed creations in the universe, nay, the cosmos, there is no questioning the fact they are a team of destruction (I must remember to recruit a Milkyway bar and a mug of Folgers coffee with lots of cream into my universe conquering armies)
Fortunately, in ten years or so, coffee will be almost extinct! And how will that be possible? Why because of YOU, Lemmings! When you chop down coffee trees to make room for your abodes, you are raising chocolate costs to the point of when a Hershys chocolate bar will replace caviar as one of the most expensive edible items the world! But, sadly, chocolate's cousin, white chocolate, will live on (Looks like I might have to settle for a white chocolate Kit Kat). But remember, blog readers, enjoy your evil food items while they last, for they won't be around much longer. Oh, and the same thing goes for you.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Merry go 'rounds
Merry go 'rounds. Truly a idiotic invention. And not only are they giving the impression that their makers approve of the spoiled, stinky creatures that are "horses", they are also putting your pitiful young in danger. Today, I explain why, in case you haven't understood what I'm trying to explain yet (And I'm sure [at least the case of you commoners] most of you are completely in the dark).
Let's get right to the point, Lemmings. If you are a parent taking your child to a amusement park (Though I don't see what's so amusing about them: I think going on rides is childish) than I highly advise you keep your disgusting children away from any merry go 'round that might catch their beady little eyes. Sure, they might have fun while riding a "terrifying" tiger (Why would they put a carnivore on a ride that is supposed to give you the impression that all is well in the world?) or a "beautiful" stallion, it will greatly affect their learning skills when they are teens, when you stupidly waste your money on getting them into class on DRIVING, of all things (Why learn how to drive when you have pre-determined servants to drive for you). And you see, Lemmings, their years of riding the merry go 'round will have left them with the impression that things such as car crashes can't happen to them, and they will also think that the car will know where they wan't to go if they say "Faster, girl (Or boy)!" - for that's how it was on the merry go 'round - and when they are either driving for the driving test, or going out for their first real drive, they will see a turn coming up, but instead of turning the wheel they will say "Faster, boy (Or girl)!", and will crash into the course barrier and get smashed in the face with a airbag, or will drive into the freeway, forget about the speed limit signs, and so they will go the same speed as a merry go round, and get their car smashed by a trailer truck, respectively. And worst of all, merry go 'rounds make people want horses, which is wrong in so many ways.
Blog readers, do not let this happen to YOUR pitiful children! Tell those "merry" go 'rounds that they've crashed their last car! Lemmings, you must act now! Get in your cars, bring matches and sticks, and set fire to every merry go 'round you can find! (And if you kill some children, all the better! Then they won't irritate me so much) And while you're at it, burn down every other flammable ride you can find! And if they don't catch fire, pour water on their engines! ...Except of course the roller coasters and ferris wheels. They make for good anti-almost-everything locations.
Talk amongst yourselves, and then go kick a merry go 'round!
Let's get right to the point, Lemmings. If you are a parent taking your child to a amusement park (Though I don't see what's so amusing about them: I think going on rides is childish) than I highly advise you keep your disgusting children away from any merry go 'round that might catch their beady little eyes. Sure, they might have fun while riding a "terrifying" tiger (Why would they put a carnivore on a ride that is supposed to give you the impression that all is well in the world?) or a "beautiful" stallion, it will greatly affect their learning skills when they are teens, when you stupidly waste your money on getting them into class on DRIVING, of all things (Why learn how to drive when you have pre-determined servants to drive for you). And you see, Lemmings, their years of riding the merry go 'round will have left them with the impression that things such as car crashes can't happen to them, and they will also think that the car will know where they wan't to go if they say "Faster, girl (Or boy)!" - for that's how it was on the merry go 'round - and when they are either driving for the driving test, or going out for their first real drive, they will see a turn coming up, but instead of turning the wheel they will say "Faster, boy (Or girl)!", and will crash into the course barrier and get smashed in the face with a airbag, or will drive into the freeway, forget about the speed limit signs, and so they will go the same speed as a merry go round, and get their car smashed by a trailer truck, respectively. And worst of all, merry go 'rounds make people want horses, which is wrong in so many ways.
Blog readers, do not let this happen to YOUR pitiful children! Tell those "merry" go 'rounds that they've crashed their last car! Lemmings, you must act now! Get in your cars, bring matches and sticks, and set fire to every merry go 'round you can find! (And if you kill some children, all the better! Then they won't irritate me so much) And while you're at it, burn down every other flammable ride you can find! And if they don't catch fire, pour water on their engines! ...Except of course the roller coasters and ferris wheels. They make for good anti-almost-everything locations.
Talk amongst yourselves, and then go kick a merry go 'round!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Sunlight
Sunlight. Other then powering solar powered weapons made by yours truly, what good is it? The answer is: besides the previous reason, it's worthless. Today we find out why.
First of all, if you've been reading my past blogs, then you should know that sunlight is actually giving dolphins a bad image in my eyes (Well, actually, sunlight is what is keeping them on the planet and out of a rocket heading for a black hole, but whatever). In short, sunlight streaks off their bodies when they break the surface of the sea, giving power to enemy soldiers' tanks and the like. But that's beside the point. Blog readers, when you go to the beach, some of you surf, some of you swim, and then the stupider Lemmings among you try to get a "tan" of all things to waste your time with. And there are huge risks to "tanning"! You COULD get a nice tan,I suppose, but without sunscreen (A truly horrible invention, but it's not worth talking about), you will get a sunburn instead! And for those of you who don't know what a sunburn is, it's simply our creators' way of saying "Get off your lazy ass". And think about it, Lemmings: it's called global WARMING. Haven't any of you thought that the cause of it might be the sun itself (Or did you somehow miss the WARMING part)? But that isn't half the worst part of it. Like everything else in life, the sun will eventually
pass away. Which wouldn't really be that bad - there would be no more of that horrid season known as summer - except for the fact that when a star (Which "the sun" is) dies out, it leaves behind a black hole, that pulls in everything around it, be it astronaught, rocket ship, or PLANET!!!
So, if any of you Lemmings are researchers studying space travel, get to work on a rocket ship that can travel to anougher universe! Otherwise, humanity will fall! Just remember these words when you next wake up to a sunny day: it may look pretty, but it will be our downfall one day. May you all have nightmares for weeks, Lemmings!
Now if you want to get that rocket ship done in time, you'd better start... talking amongst yourselves!
First of all, if you've been reading my past blogs, then you should know that sunlight is actually giving dolphins a bad image in my eyes (Well, actually, sunlight is what is keeping them on the planet and out of a rocket heading for a black hole, but whatever). In short, sunlight streaks off their bodies when they break the surface of the sea, giving power to enemy soldiers' tanks and the like. But that's beside the point. Blog readers, when you go to the beach, some of you surf, some of you swim, and then the stupider Lemmings among you try to get a "tan" of all things to waste your time with. And there are huge risks to "tanning"! You COULD get a nice tan,I suppose, but without sunscreen (A truly horrible invention, but it's not worth talking about), you will get a sunburn instead! And for those of you who don't know what a sunburn is, it's simply our creators' way of saying "Get off your lazy ass". And think about it, Lemmings: it's called global WARMING. Haven't any of you thought that the cause of it might be the sun itself (Or did you somehow miss the WARMING part)? But that isn't half the worst part of it. Like everything else in life, the sun will eventually
pass away. Which wouldn't really be that bad - there would be no more of that horrid season known as summer - except for the fact that when a star (Which "the sun" is) dies out, it leaves behind a black hole, that pulls in everything around it, be it astronaught, rocket ship, or PLANET!!!
So, if any of you Lemmings are researchers studying space travel, get to work on a rocket ship that can travel to anougher universe! Otherwise, humanity will fall! Just remember these words when you next wake up to a sunny day: it may look pretty, but it will be our downfall one day. May you all have nightmares for weeks, Lemmings!
Now if you want to get that rocket ship done in time, you'd better start... talking amongst yourselves!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Music
Music. It's everywhere, and it's threatening humanity with it's horrid noise. Today, we will find out why.
It would appear that, a very, very long time ago, some idiotic lemming smashed a rock on the ground three times, and because it had the slightest bit of a toon within it's eardrum shattering noise, music was created. But, Lemmings, unfortunately, even though it's not as annoying as the first "song" ever invented must have been, modern day music is still a threat to our ears and sanity.
Tell me, Lemmings, have you ever been writing a blog on your computer about how cats are evil, and want to rule the world, and then suddenly your little brother enters the room, sits down across the table from your computer, begins to play The Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time 3D (I say, Lemmings, why is the series "Zelda", if LINK is the main character), and then proceeds to go to Korkeri Forest? Oh, the noise! All those stupid sound effects (Tell me, doesn't that "Hey! Listen! Watch out!" voice just annoy your pants off?)! But most of all, the MUSIC. It sounds so cheerful it makes me want to punch a hole right through that horrid "3DS" of his!
And to finish this explanation of why music sucks, don't forget, if you blast your speakers with rock music, in time you'll blow out your ear drums! Lemmings, music has annoyed us for the last time! Help us all, and throw out your CDs! Enforce that all sounds of video games and T.V.s me muted at all times! Remember: if it can, and will blow out your eardrums, then why risk using it?
Quietly talk amongst yourselves!
It would appear that, a very, very long time ago, some idiotic lemming smashed a rock on the ground three times, and because it had the slightest bit of a toon within it's eardrum shattering noise, music was created. But, Lemmings, unfortunately, even though it's not as annoying as the first "song" ever invented must have been, modern day music is still a threat to our ears and sanity.
Tell me, Lemmings, have you ever been writing a blog on your computer about how cats are evil, and want to rule the world, and then suddenly your little brother enters the room, sits down across the table from your computer, begins to play The Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time 3D (I say, Lemmings, why is the series "Zelda", if LINK is the main character), and then proceeds to go to Korkeri Forest? Oh, the noise! All those stupid sound effects (Tell me, doesn't that "Hey! Listen! Watch out!" voice just annoy your pants off?)! But most of all, the MUSIC. It sounds so cheerful it makes me want to punch a hole right through that horrid "3DS" of his!
And to finish this explanation of why music sucks, don't forget, if you blast your speakers with rock music, in time you'll blow out your ear drums! Lemmings, music has annoyed us for the last time! Help us all, and throw out your CDs! Enforce that all sounds of video games and T.V.s me muted at all times! Remember: if it can, and will blow out your eardrums, then why risk using it?
Quietly talk amongst yourselves!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Bananas
Today, we will be disguising one of mother nature's (What idiot came up with that, anyways? She's certainly not my mother) most horrid creations: the banana.
Before we begin, here's a history lesson that historians (For you pitiful children that might be reading this, a historian is a idiot who has dedicated his life to finding the remains of Lemmings long dead) have just recently discovered; a long time ago, in the times of the middle ages when the world was full of germs, people were knocking over buildings with trees, and everything was chaos (Basically it was a world in which I could easily become prime blogger on, excepting there were no computers), there was a kingdom called Banya, which had planted banana trees all over their kingdom, for they thought it was a holy fruit that gave them good luck in battle. And it seemed it did; those banana obsessed Lemmings won every battle they ever fought by knocking their opponents' feet out from under them with banana peels--
Okay, before we continue, let me just say the other two why bananas are evil: one, you Lemmings are continuously slipping on their peels in classic comedies (I say, isn't falling flat on your fragile little spines a little violent for a movie that's supposed to be a COMEDY?), and laugh at some poor actor who was payed hundreds of dollars expense, and second, bananas actually give off heat like miniature suns, and raise global warming risk. Now, back to the worst reason.
But however, the cause of these victories eventually cause Banya's downfall. For one day, when one of the king's best servants was eating one of the yellow fruits, he suddenly noticed the small, black seeds inside. So he finished the banana, and planted one of the seeds. Soon, though, they all forgot about the strange seed. But one day, the ground around the seed was sucked away like a sink hole, and just what appeared in it's center? Nothing but a black hole! It had been a Sun Seed the servant had planted, and when it died, it became a black hole! The whole kingdom was sucked into the vortex, and then it closed behind it, and they never were seen again.
Do you really want a black hole to appear every time a banana spoils? Would you really wish that on your family? if not, then go to a car store, buy an RV, find every evil banana you can, eat every single one, and then being them to me, so I can place them on every sidewalk in the world. Consider that my "thank you" for your troubles, and for you being thrown in jail when you're blamed.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Before we begin, here's a history lesson that historians (For you pitiful children that might be reading this, a historian is a idiot who has dedicated his life to finding the remains of Lemmings long dead) have just recently discovered; a long time ago, in the times of the middle ages when the world was full of germs, people were knocking over buildings with trees, and everything was chaos (Basically it was a world in which I could easily become prime blogger on, excepting there were no computers), there was a kingdom called Banya, which had planted banana trees all over their kingdom, for they thought it was a holy fruit that gave them good luck in battle. And it seemed it did; those banana obsessed Lemmings won every battle they ever fought by knocking their opponents' feet out from under them with banana peels--
Okay, before we continue, let me just say the other two why bananas are evil: one, you Lemmings are continuously slipping on their peels in classic comedies (I say, isn't falling flat on your fragile little spines a little violent for a movie that's supposed to be a COMEDY?), and laugh at some poor actor who was payed hundreds of dollars expense, and second, bananas actually give off heat like miniature suns, and raise global warming risk. Now, back to the worst reason.
But however, the cause of these victories eventually cause Banya's downfall. For one day, when one of the king's best servants was eating one of the yellow fruits, he suddenly noticed the small, black seeds inside. So he finished the banana, and planted one of the seeds. Soon, though, they all forgot about the strange seed. But one day, the ground around the seed was sucked away like a sink hole, and just what appeared in it's center? Nothing but a black hole! It had been a Sun Seed the servant had planted, and when it died, it became a black hole! The whole kingdom was sucked into the vortex, and then it closed behind it, and they never were seen again.
Do you really want a black hole to appear every time a banana spoils? Would you really wish that on your family? if not, then go to a car store, buy an RV, find every evil banana you can, eat every single one, and then being them to me, so I can place them on every sidewalk in the world. Consider that my "thank you" for your troubles, and for you being thrown in jail when you're blamed.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Monday, January 9, 2012
Dolphins
Dolphins. Truly a pitiful species. They have not a clue what is going on on this horrid planet we call "Earth". But on the other hand, sharks - though they may be about the same size as the previous subject - are fully aware of what we are doing to their planet, and they have chosen to take action. So today, I will reveal the truth about our smiling "friends", and reveal how sharks will bring me ever closer to succeeding in my plan for virtual world conquest. So I suppose that I should redo this blog's title as...
Sharks and Dolphins (Notice I saved the WORST for last) part one
Let's get this over with, Lemmings. Dolphins are a truly corrupt species that have not only been defying mankind the fantastic justice that is drowning, but also will bring the plot of "Terrinova" to come to be. First of all, the bad news. Lemmings, recently I watched my pitiful twin play through the first part of the "RPG" Bowser's Inside Story, and I couldn't help but notice that the game's villain, the pathetically un-creatively-designed "Fawful" (Yes, I suppose that is a spoiler. Live with it) had a wide and toothy smile, much like dolphins sport on their ugly mugs. So I then released that this could mean one of two things: either Fawful is a mutant dolphin that came in contact with pollution, and that soon we will be crushed by green, red caped monstrosities, or that dolphins are fawfulized sharks that will destroy the very despicable planet we walk on in the near future.
And now, the even worse news (About time): as you might have somehow heard, dolphins are very shiny. But what I'm sure you didn't know is this: believe it or not, you under-informed blog readers, the shiniest dolphins were actually used as solar power generators for the world's most evil dictators (Boy, they were smart)! It's true! A handful of dolphins actually are so shiny, when they break the surface, the sunlight bounces off their bodies, giving troops that have solar powered army vehicles the upper hand when they battle near the water or on the beach. And like many other animals, that same sunlight also raises the chance of global warming, bringing us one step closer to the impending doom that is traveling into a alternate time line and wrestling with dinosaurs.
Now I WOULD say at this point to do away with all the dolphins you see in your lifetime, but I say to keep them around for two reasons: one, I want one day to be a supreme blog dictator, so I need a un-environmentally friendly power source to power my unnecessary army weapons, and two: same answer as reason one, except I also need it to power my newest idea for a army weapon: the Shark Tank.
Now it's time to talk about one of my favorite animals, and why it will help me take over the virtual universe of blogging one day.
Sharks and Dolphins part two
Sharks. They are truly one of the most intelligent creatures dwelling on the planet. Unlike dolphins, who are threatening to raise global warming world-wide, sharks are actually doing something about this threat.
Imagine you are a worker at a car factory. Your company has just made the first hover car (Not like that's something to be proud of: they probably got the idea from planes), and have sold hundreds to many rich people the world over. To celebrate, you take your family of Lemmings on a cruise. When suddenly, In the middle of the atlantic, your ship hits a huge rock and it sinks to the bottom of the sea (Serves you right). And then, your lifeboat is surrounded by the mighty beings that are sharks, and you die a horrible death in their jaws. Why do you think they did that? Simply put, because of your job. That factory - and those like it - are pumping carbon di oxide into our blue skies! Do you truly think every single animal on the Earth would just stand back and let mankind destroy the world? NO! Lemmings, while dolphins might save these evil people, sharks know that if they let them live, they will do more bad than good! And that is also why they frequently consume dolphin! So these evil men and woman will not do anymore harm! Take it from me, people. There is not a single fish in the sea that is smarter than the shark.
And here is how they will one day allow me to be the greatest blogger in history: first of all, when humans invent robots in a few years, I will ask (And maybe even bribe, if I have to) a large manufacturer to make me a tank-sized robot inspired by one of favorite fish: The Shark Tank. It will have jaws (Heh heh... "jaws") that could crush a car, robotic arms with hidden lasers in the fingers, a huge metal tail that could knock over a bus, all terrain, ice traction treads, and laser eyes (I suppose that's wishful thinking, but I'm sure that would be awesome to drive over you Lemmings). And then, second of all, if you Lemmings read this and suddenly realize that if you come up with a tank sized robot that I could take over the blogging universe, there's also another way sharks will help me rule: for many years, when my pitiful family buys H2O and sodas, I have secretly been stealing two from each box (It's only two because they're too observant for me to steal any more before they get suspicious). And one day, I will fly over a flooded area in my private jet, and dump gallons of soda and water onto the flooded state, making it overflow over the mountains, and soon after flood the world! And then, even if some of you Lemmings know how to swim or have a boat, then you will either starve, or the sharks will get you! Yes, Lemmings, when this finally happens, sharks will not have boundaries! They will be able to find you everywhere you go! And I will only save mankind from this disaster if they swear that my name will go down in history as "The Greatest Blogger, Maximilian Forge"!
...But the only problem is, that I am infatuated with soda! And I always seem to forget to steal the water bottles! So, blog readers, the next time you get water, set aside some to mail to yours truly. And remember: it's better to have a planet dominated by sharks, than it is to have a planet dominated by grinning Fawful henchmen.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Sharks and Dolphins (Notice I saved the WORST for last) part one
Let's get this over with, Lemmings. Dolphins are a truly corrupt species that have not only been defying mankind the fantastic justice that is drowning, but also will bring the plot of "Terrinova" to come to be. First of all, the bad news. Lemmings, recently I watched my pitiful twin play through the first part of the "RPG" Bowser's Inside Story, and I couldn't help but notice that the game's villain, the pathetically un-creatively-designed "Fawful" (Yes, I suppose that is a spoiler. Live with it) had a wide and toothy smile, much like dolphins sport on their ugly mugs. So I then released that this could mean one of two things: either Fawful is a mutant dolphin that came in contact with pollution, and that soon we will be crushed by green, red caped monstrosities, or that dolphins are fawfulized sharks that will destroy the very despicable planet we walk on in the near future.
And now, the even worse news (About time): as you might have somehow heard, dolphins are very shiny. But what I'm sure you didn't know is this: believe it or not, you under-informed blog readers, the shiniest dolphins were actually used as solar power generators for the world's most evil dictators (Boy, they were smart)! It's true! A handful of dolphins actually are so shiny, when they break the surface, the sunlight bounces off their bodies, giving troops that have solar powered army vehicles the upper hand when they battle near the water or on the beach. And like many other animals, that same sunlight also raises the chance of global warming, bringing us one step closer to the impending doom that is traveling into a alternate time line and wrestling with dinosaurs.
Now I WOULD say at this point to do away with all the dolphins you see in your lifetime, but I say to keep them around for two reasons: one, I want one day to be a supreme blog dictator, so I need a un-environmentally friendly power source to power my unnecessary army weapons, and two: same answer as reason one, except I also need it to power my newest idea for a army weapon: the Shark Tank.
Now it's time to talk about one of my favorite animals, and why it will help me take over the virtual universe of blogging one day.
Sharks and Dolphins part two
Sharks. They are truly one of the most intelligent creatures dwelling on the planet. Unlike dolphins, who are threatening to raise global warming world-wide, sharks are actually doing something about this threat.
Imagine you are a worker at a car factory. Your company has just made the first hover car (Not like that's something to be proud of: they probably got the idea from planes), and have sold hundreds to many rich people the world over. To celebrate, you take your family of Lemmings on a cruise. When suddenly, In the middle of the atlantic, your ship hits a huge rock and it sinks to the bottom of the sea (Serves you right). And then, your lifeboat is surrounded by the mighty beings that are sharks, and you die a horrible death in their jaws. Why do you think they did that? Simply put, because of your job. That factory - and those like it - are pumping carbon di oxide into our blue skies! Do you truly think every single animal on the Earth would just stand back and let mankind destroy the world? NO! Lemmings, while dolphins might save these evil people, sharks know that if they let them live, they will do more bad than good! And that is also why they frequently consume dolphin! So these evil men and woman will not do anymore harm! Take it from me, people. There is not a single fish in the sea that is smarter than the shark.
And here is how they will one day allow me to be the greatest blogger in history: first of all, when humans invent robots in a few years, I will ask (And maybe even bribe, if I have to) a large manufacturer to make me a tank-sized robot inspired by one of favorite fish: The Shark Tank. It will have jaws (Heh heh... "jaws") that could crush a car, robotic arms with hidden lasers in the fingers, a huge metal tail that could knock over a bus, all terrain, ice traction treads, and laser eyes (I suppose that's wishful thinking, but I'm sure that would be awesome to drive over you Lemmings). And then, second of all, if you Lemmings read this and suddenly realize that if you come up with a tank sized robot that I could take over the blogging universe, there's also another way sharks will help me rule: for many years, when my pitiful family buys H2O and sodas, I have secretly been stealing two from each box (It's only two because they're too observant for me to steal any more before they get suspicious). And one day, I will fly over a flooded area in my private jet, and dump gallons of soda and water onto the flooded state, making it overflow over the mountains, and soon after flood the world! And then, even if some of you Lemmings know how to swim or have a boat, then you will either starve, or the sharks will get you! Yes, Lemmings, when this finally happens, sharks will not have boundaries! They will be able to find you everywhere you go! And I will only save mankind from this disaster if they swear that my name will go down in history as "The Greatest Blogger, Maximilian Forge"!
...But the only problem is, that I am infatuated with soda! And I always seem to forget to steal the water bottles! So, blog readers, the next time you get water, set aside some to mail to yours truly. And remember: it's better to have a planet dominated by sharks, than it is to have a planet dominated by grinning Fawful henchmen.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Blankets
Blankets. Not only - like many other things do - do they give us a false sense of safety, but they are also unfair. Today, I will explain why.
Have you ever wondered, blog readers, about what OTHER animals use for warmth? Let me enlighten you. Birds (And by birds, I do not refer to you Lemmings) live up in trees at a dizzying height. And what do they call home? A mere circle of sticks called a "nest!"! And do you know how long it takes me to climb one of those trees to tell the bird in it to shut up so I can rest my dazzling eyes? And what if that's the wrong tree? But really, Lemmings. Those poor birds must be freezing up there! And not only do we do nothing about it, but we also snuggle under our warm little "blankets", and watch some idiotic movie! But if you're like me, who is kept up all night because of a pesky owl, here's another example: I'm sure most of you blog readers have heard of bees. When their day of collecting the pollen that makes up what you Lemmings call "honey", stinging yours truly while I look for ghost sniffing bees with my pathetic twin, Maxo Idiot, or sniffing for ghosts is done, they fly home to their hidden and maybe even invisible hives (Which Lemmings stupidly made the name of a disease), and sleep surrounded by their own disgusting kin! I can't think of anything more revolting (Except of course, the very sight of my younger siblings)!
Think about it, Lemmings! Why should we wallow in false pleasure while other animals suffer? We were all created by the same entity, after all (Okay, Actually maybe not. But SPOILED people are, at least). But if you truly don't want to part with your blankets, then glue them together into a nest or dome shape, and then ether take that nest up a large tree and then sit in it, or crawl into your dome/hive with your family and sleep in it, respectively. But don't forget: I am only telling you to do this because I hate you all.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Have you ever wondered, blog readers, about what OTHER animals use for warmth? Let me enlighten you. Birds (And by birds, I do not refer to you Lemmings) live up in trees at a dizzying height. And what do they call home? A mere circle of sticks called a "nest!"! And do you know how long it takes me to climb one of those trees to tell the bird in it to shut up so I can rest my dazzling eyes? And what if that's the wrong tree? But really, Lemmings. Those poor birds must be freezing up there! And not only do we do nothing about it, but we also snuggle under our warm little "blankets", and watch some idiotic movie! But if you're like me, who is kept up all night because of a pesky owl, here's another example: I'm sure most of you blog readers have heard of bees. When their day of collecting the pollen that makes up what you Lemmings call "honey", stinging yours truly while I look for ghost sniffing bees with my pathetic twin, Maxo Idiot, or sniffing for ghosts is done, they fly home to their hidden and maybe even invisible hives (Which Lemmings stupidly made the name of a disease), and sleep surrounded by their own disgusting kin! I can't think of anything more revolting (Except of course, the very sight of my younger siblings)!
Think about it, Lemmings! Why should we wallow in false pleasure while other animals suffer? We were all created by the same entity, after all (Okay, Actually maybe not. But SPOILED people are, at least). But if you truly don't want to part with your blankets, then glue them together into a nest or dome shape, and then ether take that nest up a large tree and then sit in it, or crawl into your dome/hive with your family and sleep in it, respectively. But don't forget: I am only telling you to do this because I hate you all.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Cars
Cars. They were invented in 1984, and since then they have been the cause of many of the problems that threaten humanity. They have been pumping gallons of won-- er, HORRIBLE carbon di oxide into the air, they are constantly crashing into other cars, killing thousands, and to top it all off, they are bringing about the releases of racing games! For instance:
Just the other day, I saw my pitiful brother, Maxo (I like to refer to him as "My Little Brother, Lemming Forge" or "My Pitiful Twin, Maxo Idiot") playing some sort of reality stimulation program on some strange blue device of most certain evil (I believe it's called a 3DS, of all names). I peaked over his shoulder to see what he was plotting, and what did I see? A robotic silver plumber in a monster of a machine, raising a transparent turtle monster in a race car on a rainbow colored race track! Yes, I had relised that THIS was what plan cars had secretly been working on behind my back: Mario Kart. But never fear for my pathetic brother. In a rare act of kindness (And by kindness, I mean rage that Maxo was enjoying his pitiful life on Earth), I snatched the death device from my twin, ran out onto the porch, and obliterated the system with the one thing reality stimulation programs are weak against: being thrown into a concrete porch (And remember, the "K" and "T" in "Kart" is only there to disguise the word "Car").
Now do you see why cars are a threat to humanity (and why didn't they put a limousine as a kart in Mario Kart 7, anyway)? If you ask me, I say we were better off with horse drawn carriages! Lemmings, sell your cars as soon as possible, and get a horse instead. Remember, blog readers, it's better to have to take care of a lazy horse, than it is to have false convenience in your life.
Talk amongst your--
...wait a moment. I take the sentience about carriages back. Actually, there is one kind of "car" that stands out from the rest. And it has become a part of my everyday life. Sooooooo... despite the fact that these blogs are supposed to bring you Lemmings back to the simple truth that life sucks, I now shall lie a bit and say that there are actually things in life that I actually approve of. And so, here is the next part of this blog.
Limousines
Limousines. They certainly are as blessed as a soulless means of transportation can be. Though you pathetic Lemmings are content to drive snazzy looking sports cars and those cars that could be army weapons (I believe they are called hummers), us greedy and spoiled twelve year olds know that that will never do. And that is why the creators of the universe made the limousine.
Not only do they look amazing on the outside, but they're almost as good on the inside. There is no doubt in my mind they were made to make me and the others like me feel like the king of the world. They have everything a spoiled brat would want (Or at least MY limo has whatever I could ever want, not that I'm a brat, of course): a bar with my own bar tender (who is always out of the ingredients for a Shirley Temple), a sky light, lots of room for friends (Not that really have many friends), adjustable air conditioning, a wide-screen T.V., even a miny fridge (Which I always make sure has at least one serving of Surf and Turf inside)!
Lemmings, forget about the new car you're saving up for! Forget about that fancy house in Hawaii! If you must try to be as rich and handsome as moi, then get a limousine! If we work together, we will be able to shape the world in MY image! Everyone will be the same! Everyone will be mean! Everyone will be spoiled! And best of all, everyone will do as I say!
So you'd better get a limousine, or else I'll sue you! ...But I suppose I'll still let you talk amongst yourselves.
Just the other day, I saw my pitiful brother, Maxo (I like to refer to him as "My Little Brother, Lemming Forge" or "My Pitiful Twin, Maxo Idiot") playing some sort of reality stimulation program on some strange blue device of most certain evil (I believe it's called a 3DS, of all names). I peaked over his shoulder to see what he was plotting, and what did I see? A robotic silver plumber in a monster of a machine, raising a transparent turtle monster in a race car on a rainbow colored race track! Yes, I had relised that THIS was what plan cars had secretly been working on behind my back: Mario Kart. But never fear for my pathetic brother. In a rare act of kindness (And by kindness, I mean rage that Maxo was enjoying his pitiful life on Earth), I snatched the death device from my twin, ran out onto the porch, and obliterated the system with the one thing reality stimulation programs are weak against: being thrown into a concrete porch (And remember, the "K" and "T" in "Kart" is only there to disguise the word "Car").
Now do you see why cars are a threat to humanity (and why didn't they put a limousine as a kart in Mario Kart 7, anyway)? If you ask me, I say we were better off with horse drawn carriages! Lemmings, sell your cars as soon as possible, and get a horse instead. Remember, blog readers, it's better to have to take care of a lazy horse, than it is to have false convenience in your life.
Talk amongst your--
...wait a moment. I take the sentience about carriages back. Actually, there is one kind of "car" that stands out from the rest. And it has become a part of my everyday life. Sooooooo... despite the fact that these blogs are supposed to bring you Lemmings back to the simple truth that life sucks, I now shall lie a bit and say that there are actually things in life that I actually approve of. And so, here is the next part of this blog.
Limousines
Limousines. They certainly are as blessed as a soulless means of transportation can be. Though you pathetic Lemmings are content to drive snazzy looking sports cars and those cars that could be army weapons (I believe they are called hummers), us greedy and spoiled twelve year olds know that that will never do. And that is why the creators of the universe made the limousine.
Not only do they look amazing on the outside, but they're almost as good on the inside. There is no doubt in my mind they were made to make me and the others like me feel like the king of the world. They have everything a spoiled brat would want (Or at least MY limo has whatever I could ever want, not that I'm a brat, of course): a bar with my own bar tender (who is always out of the ingredients for a Shirley Temple), a sky light, lots of room for friends (Not that really have many friends), adjustable air conditioning, a wide-screen T.V., even a miny fridge (Which I always make sure has at least one serving of Surf and Turf inside)!
Lemmings, forget about the new car you're saving up for! Forget about that fancy house in Hawaii! If you must try to be as rich and handsome as moi, then get a limousine! If we work together, we will be able to shape the world in MY image! Everyone will be the same! Everyone will be mean! Everyone will be spoiled! And best of all, everyone will do as I say!
So you'd better get a limousine, or else I'll sue you! ...But I suppose I'll still let you talk amongst yourselves.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Umbrellas
Umbrellas are a item that I have only just recently made sense of. They have been protecting us from the healthy misery that is the feeling of having soaked through clothes.
At this point, I would say that umbrellas are evil items of manipulation, sent to Earth to give us a sense of ease so we are unprepared when the monsters that sent them strike, wiping all life on the planet out of existence, but the day before yesterday, I realized that umbrellas might be even more mysterious than I have been assuming (Not that they aren't evil items of manipulation, mind you).
It has come to my attention that there is a strange and idiotic mix-up in our pathetic Lemming-filled country. In my disgustingly wet country of Washington (I am at a loss to why they couldn't come up with a better name, and remember, George Washington was the reason why President Nixon could only be in office for eight years maximum), rain pours on my handsome head, and yet, nobody is buying any umbrellas to offer me when I sulk by their houses (Not that I ever do, mind you, I'm always inside my personal limo, toasty warm)! It would seem that you, Washington Lemmings, are content to bundle up in a jacket like a Eskimo, while I suffer (and by suffer, I mean complain that my personal bar tender is out of the ingredients for a Shirley Temple)!
And then we have you Lemmings down in Florida and such. I hear that most of the population there is old crimbles who can't handle the freezing winters and nauseating springs of Washington. But this is what I am bamboozled about: if they can hardly bear the weight of a raindrop on their failing spines, then how can they possibly carry an umbrella? Yes, blog readers, despite there being hardly a drop of moisture in the state, it would seem the horrid impression of the miserable and uncaring state of Washington has forever left these "poor" Lemmings unable to tell the difference between hot and cold or black and white, and so they are buying three umbrellas per person for everyone in the state. And now that I think about it, what if Washington has the same problem, and that is why no one cares about poor moi.
Lemmings, do not let this happen to you! Protect your worthless families, and do the right thing: move to Alaska, so I will never be bothered by you idiots or your pathetic ways ever again. Remember, blog readers, it's better to make me happy, than it to make me write more blogs telling you how stupid the human race is.
Talk amongst yourselves!
At this point, I would say that umbrellas are evil items of manipulation, sent to Earth to give us a sense of ease so we are unprepared when the monsters that sent them strike, wiping all life on the planet out of existence, but the day before yesterday, I realized that umbrellas might be even more mysterious than I have been assuming (Not that they aren't evil items of manipulation, mind you).
It has come to my attention that there is a strange and idiotic mix-up in our pathetic Lemming-filled country. In my disgustingly wet country of Washington (I am at a loss to why they couldn't come up with a better name, and remember, George Washington was the reason why President Nixon could only be in office for eight years maximum), rain pours on my handsome head, and yet, nobody is buying any umbrellas to offer me when I sulk by their houses (Not that I ever do, mind you, I'm always inside my personal limo, toasty warm)! It would seem that you, Washington Lemmings, are content to bundle up in a jacket like a Eskimo, while I suffer (and by suffer, I mean complain that my personal bar tender is out of the ingredients for a Shirley Temple)!
And then we have you Lemmings down in Florida and such. I hear that most of the population there is old crimbles who can't handle the freezing winters and nauseating springs of Washington. But this is what I am bamboozled about: if they can hardly bear the weight of a raindrop on their failing spines, then how can they possibly carry an umbrella? Yes, blog readers, despite there being hardly a drop of moisture in the state, it would seem the horrid impression of the miserable and uncaring state of Washington has forever left these "poor" Lemmings unable to tell the difference between hot and cold or black and white, and so they are buying three umbrellas per person for everyone in the state. And now that I think about it, what if Washington has the same problem, and that is why no one cares about poor moi.
Lemmings, do not let this happen to you! Protect your worthless families, and do the right thing: move to Alaska, so I will never be bothered by you idiots or your pathetic ways ever again. Remember, blog readers, it's better to make me happy, than it to make me write more blogs telling you how stupid the human race is.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Shoes
Shoes. A bad habit even I, the great Maximilian Forge, struggle to overcome.
For years, shoes have seemed to be sincere, protecting our feet from rocks, mud, and, of course, rabid scorpions. But I, blog readers, know that one day, shoes will turn on us, and cause the downfall of humanity! Remember, that even though you cannot see it with your Lemming eyes, everyday little bits of you (you Lemmings call it dust) and many other things are coming off you! So when you break a plate seventy years from now, and put on your shoes that you got on the Internet, they will have no bottoms because you didn't see it said "used" (as in used by fifty other people) in the product description!
And speaking of shoes and dust, every day your very shoes are kicking particles of the Earth into the atmosphere! And one day five thousand years shoes will cause the very foundation of the planet to collapse! And your descendants will plummet to a firey doom!
Do you really want that, Lemmings? Do you want to be blamed for the destruction of possibly all of mankind? ...I didn't think so. But this can be avoided! Lemmings, unit! Gather your shoes, and toss them to the wind (or, ship them to someone you cold, honest, snow-covered feet are better than warm, false, clean feet inside huge shoes that will cause the downfall of the planet. This statement might give you nightmares for the rest of your lives, but it's simply the truth. I leave you with that thought forever imprinted on your miniature brains.
Talk amongst yourselves!
For years, shoes have seemed to be sincere, protecting our feet from rocks, mud, and, of course, rabid scorpions. But I, blog readers, know that one day, shoes will turn on us, and cause the downfall of humanity! Remember, that even though you cannot see it with your Lemming eyes, everyday little bits of you (you Lemmings call it dust) and many other things are coming off you! So when you break a plate seventy years from now, and put on your shoes that you got on the Internet, they will have no bottoms because you didn't see it said "used" (as in used by fifty other people) in the product description!
And speaking of shoes and dust, every day your very shoes are kicking particles of the Earth into the atmosphere! And one day five thousand years shoes will cause the very foundation of the planet to collapse! And your descendants will plummet to a firey doom!
Do you really want that, Lemmings? Do you want to be blamed for the destruction of possibly all of mankind? ...I didn't think so. But this can be avoided! Lemmings, unit! Gather your shoes, and toss them to the wind (or, ship them to someone you cold, honest, snow-covered feet are better than warm, false, clean feet inside huge shoes that will cause the downfall of the planet. This statement might give you nightmares for the rest of your lives, but it's simply the truth. I leave you with that thought forever imprinted on your miniature brains.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Coffee
Coffee. One of the planet's most common beverages. But, why and how does it give you energy? What cruel secret hides behind it's mask of beauty?
Today, my loyal Lemmings, I will show you. First is the fact that it's true color is almost pitch black. For all we know, that could the the color of a battalion of liquid aliens, or a liquid monster from the depths of Hell, come to invade our bodies and take us out from the inside! Do not be fooled by the color they might change when you dump barrels of sugar or gallons of cream in them! It is simply hiding the true form of the monster that is coffee!
Or, it could be a alien fluid put on Earth by U.F.O.s, that gives us energy at first, but in your later years overloads your system, causing you to combust! Or for all we know, it is slowly giving your cups a conscious mind, and then will manipulate them into destroying all human life on the planet!
But, it would seem that some of you Lemmings already know the true form of the evil entity that is coffee, and have banned it from your homes. Blog readers, follow this example, and do away with the gallons of horrid coffee in your dwellings, and you might just be spared when disaster strikes! I will now leave you, so I can dump Faith Forge's new coffee can into the coffee filled trash.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Spoons
Let me begin by saying that I spent most of my day riding hither and yon to various and a sundry press junkets in a thirty foot limo. It should be apparent to you why this would logically drag my thoughts, kicking and screaming, to the pure insanity that is the spoon.
Clearly, limousines are fabulous abuses of natural resources that smack Mother Nature in the face with the el dente noodle of progress and excess, and spoons so obviously do the very same thing. So stop shoveling Fruity Loopies into your spoon hole while you sit at a long red light in your Yugo, and wrap your tiny, furry, point-five steps above a primate mind around the truth I'm dropping in your rainbow ring littered lap.
Spoons. Limos.
Limos. Spoons.
The end of civilization in the form of the long, lazy bucket of a limo seat contoured to cradle your ever growing buttocks that thrives on every spoonful of extra creamy, double-whipped pudding pie delight. Has anyone looked at the rear quarters of a male ballet dancer lately? It so happens that I was recently forced to do so due to a medical condition and let me say this: Unless your butt can double as a wrecking ball, you need to avoid spoons all together. The bites are too easy, too big, and too prone to go straight to your arse.
Would you really want to find yourself stuck in a limousine... as if you'd ever find yourself in one.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Clearly, limousines are fabulous abuses of natural resources that smack Mother Nature in the face with the el dente noodle of progress and excess, and spoons so obviously do the very same thing. So stop shoveling Fruity Loopies into your spoon hole while you sit at a long red light in your Yugo, and wrap your tiny, furry, point-five steps above a primate mind around the truth I'm dropping in your rainbow ring littered lap.
Spoons. Limos.
Limos. Spoons.
The end of civilization in the form of the long, lazy bucket of a limo seat contoured to cradle your ever growing buttocks that thrives on every spoonful of extra creamy, double-whipped pudding pie delight. Has anyone looked at the rear quarters of a male ballet dancer lately? It so happens that I was recently forced to do so due to a medical condition and let me say this: Unless your butt can double as a wrecking ball, you need to avoid spoons all together. The bites are too easy, too big, and too prone to go straight to your arse.
Would you really want to find yourself stuck in a limousine... as if you'd ever find yourself in one.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Indoor Heat
Indoor Heat. "What a splendid idea!" you say. Well, Lemmings, that is actually one of humanity's greatest mistakes. I mean, really. Think about it. Say you have a open fireplace and wood floor. Just one spark from that fireplace could set your house blazing! And what if you live in a area with few trees? Or what if you cut down all the trees in the state for your fire? All the carbon di oxied from your wood stove and the like will raise the risk of global warming!
"But, what if I have a furnace? That doesn't have a chimney,v so it'll be okay, right?" you say. No, actually, Lemming. Sure, you won't be blamed fifty years from now for the flooding of Texas, but in a few years or so, all the heat in your house will ether make you so relaxed that you seal off any ways outside air could invade your home, and then you die after using up all the air in your house, or when you next try to take a hot bath, your brain will be fried. And yes, even heaters are dangerous. Remember, they add to your electric bill!
Blog readers, take this as a warning! Indoor heat is a indoor terror! So remember this when you shiver in the cold air, and go to turn up the heat: it's better to be freezing then it is to have a toasted head.
Talk amongst yourselves, you chilly Lemmings!
"But, what if I have a furnace? That doesn't have a chimney,v so it'll be okay, right?" you say. No, actually, Lemming. Sure, you won't be blamed fifty years from now for the flooding of Texas, but in a few years or so, all the heat in your house will ether make you so relaxed that you seal off any ways outside air could invade your home, and then you die after using up all the air in your house, or when you next try to take a hot bath, your brain will be fried. And yes, even heaters are dangerous. Remember, they add to your electric bill!
Blog readers, take this as a warning! Indoor heat is a indoor terror! So remember this when you shiver in the cold air, and go to turn up the heat: it's better to be freezing then it is to have a toasted head.
Talk amongst yourselves, you chilly Lemmings!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Chairs
Chairs. What idiot came up with this idiotic idea? All chairs are is something to sit on. And what does that do? Quite plainly, it makes you lazy!
You might never have thought about this, but it is the simple truth. Chairs and the like will eventually ruin our body structure to the point when, a few generations later, we will scrub to gravity after five years of age!
Blog readers, let me bring you back to reality; Life is not a cheerful experience. Every day, people are passing away, certain species of animals are going extinct, and thousands of Lemmings - such as yourselves - are idiotically walking off cliffs. And couches and padded chairs are giving us the impression that all is well in the world? HA! Pleasure is a distraction from the true, hateful world! If you are enjoying a quiet moment reading a book on your couch, you will be unprepared when your house is flooded because the toilet over-flowed! As opposed to if you were lifting fifty pound weights, from which you could plainly into the open bathroom door upstairs, and you could additionally see water dripping over the toilet bowl, and could run and plunge it.
And don't forget that chair factories are raising the risk of global warming! Those millions of smoke stacks are polluting our green world (Not that I really care, mind you)! Blog readers! Make the right choice and do away with your chairs! Do it for future generations! Do it for the world! But most of all, do it for yourselves; In other words, do it for Lemmings. c
Talk amongst yourselves!
You might never have thought about this, but it is the simple truth. Chairs and the like will eventually ruin our body structure to the point when, a few generations later, we will scrub to gravity after five years of age!
Blog readers, let me bring you back to reality; Life is not a cheerful experience. Every day, people are passing away, certain species of animals are going extinct, and thousands of Lemmings - such as yourselves - are idiotically walking off cliffs. And couches and padded chairs are giving us the impression that all is well in the world? HA! Pleasure is a distraction from the true, hateful world! If you are enjoying a quiet moment reading a book on your couch, you will be unprepared when your house is flooded because the toilet over-flowed! As opposed to if you were lifting fifty pound weights, from which you could plainly into the open bathroom door upstairs, and you could additionally see water dripping over the toilet bowl, and could run and plunge it.
And don't forget that chair factories are raising the risk of global warming! Those millions of smoke stacks are polluting our green world (Not that I really care, mind you)! Blog readers! Make the right choice and do away with your chairs! Do it for future generations! Do it for the world! But most of all, do it for yourselves; In other words, do it for Lemmings. c
Talk amongst yourselves!
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