Chocolate
Chocolate. It is certainly one of the world's most horrific entities. Those sme of you misguided Lemmings try to hide it's true and disusting nature by filling it with wafer, peanut butter, or air bubbles (The last one being more recent then the other two), it doesn't change the fact that chocolate will eventually destroy us all.
And the explanation to that statement is why I'm here today. So either, A: sit down with a cup of coffee, and get a dark chocolate bar from wherever you keep your candy, but if you don't have those and don't want to waste money on evil things, then B: start up your computer, open two different windows, go to Bing (Not Google, they're better, but if something is better, it means it's evil) and on one open a picture of black coffee, and on the other open a picture of un-shredded dark chocolate (Don't continue reading until you've done one of the previous, unless you have no computer, in which case you should chose C: [That is NOT a smile face] ask a trustworthy friend to loan you the fore mentioned items of evil, or D: [That may look like a unhappy face to you idiotic YouTube users, but it's not] just take my take my honest word for it [Just in case you don't have any friends]), and look at them closely. Unless you are in need of glasses, or forgot to put your strange half spheres known as "contacts" in your "beautiful" eyes this mourning, they should be about the same color: dark brown (Actually, the coffee should be kind of more black than brown, but whatever). And what does this mean? It means that chocolate is from the same hellish world that coffee originates from! "But surely it must be a coincidence!" you say. Well, here's something that might make you reconsider that statement: when "enjoying" a cup of hot coffee, it is not uncommon for a Lemming to have a chocolate item on the side. And think about it; those two evil monsters are no doubt relaying information between their squadrons (By their squadronS, I mean the squadron of coffee, and the squadron of chocolate)! And here's something to bring you back to reality: you might be able to bite right through chocolate ICE CREAM, but - as I recently have found out - the cocoa BEAN does not go down as easily. It's flavor is described as, and I quote: "Intense, and borders on bitter, since there no added sugar or cocoa butter (Or butter) as you are most likely used to when you consume commercial chocolate products." (Words from the Max: if you somehow find the intelligence to go on Google and find the place I quoted from, don't scroll lower than the quote, or you will most certainly die the next evening [And don't you DARE say I went to GOOGLE. I meant to write Bing]) And what does THAT tell us? It's showing us that, unlike their comrade hell beasts, coffee, chocolate will not go down without a fight! And if they're even more evil then coffee, one of the most un-blessed creations in the universe, nay, the cosmos, there is no questioning the fact they are a team of destruction (I must remember to recruit a Milkyway bar and a mug of Folgers coffee with lots of cream into my universe conquering armies)
Fortunately, in ten years or so, coffee will be almost extinct! And how will that be possible? Why because of YOU, Lemmings! When you chop down coffee trees to make room for your abodes, you are raising chocolate costs to the point of when a Hershys chocolate bar will replace caviar as one of the most expensive edible items the world! But, sadly, chocolate's cousin, white chocolate, will live on (Looks like I might have to settle for a white chocolate Kit Kat). But remember, blog readers, enjoy your evil food items while they last, for they won't be around much longer. Oh, and the same thing goes for you.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
Merry go 'rounds
Merry go 'rounds. Truly a idiotic invention. And not only are they giving the impression that their makers approve of the spoiled, stinky creatures that are "horses", they are also putting your pitiful young in danger. Today, I explain why, in case you haven't understood what I'm trying to explain yet (And I'm sure [at least the case of you commoners] most of you are completely in the dark).
Let's get right to the point, Lemmings. If you are a parent taking your child to a amusement park (Though I don't see what's so amusing about them: I think going on rides is childish) than I highly advise you keep your disgusting children away from any merry go 'round that might catch their beady little eyes. Sure, they might have fun while riding a "terrifying" tiger (Why would they put a carnivore on a ride that is supposed to give you the impression that all is well in the world?) or a "beautiful" stallion, it will greatly affect their learning skills when they are teens, when you stupidly waste your money on getting them into class on DRIVING, of all things (Why learn how to drive when you have pre-determined servants to drive for you). And you see, Lemmings, their years of riding the merry go 'round will have left them with the impression that things such as car crashes can't happen to them, and they will also think that the car will know where they wan't to go if they say "Faster, girl (Or boy)!" - for that's how it was on the merry go 'round - and when they are either driving for the driving test, or going out for their first real drive, they will see a turn coming up, but instead of turning the wheel they will say "Faster, boy (Or girl)!", and will crash into the course barrier and get smashed in the face with a airbag, or will drive into the freeway, forget about the speed limit signs, and so they will go the same speed as a merry go round, and get their car smashed by a trailer truck, respectively. And worst of all, merry go 'rounds make people want horses, which is wrong in so many ways.
Blog readers, do not let this happen to YOUR pitiful children! Tell those "merry" go 'rounds that they've crashed their last car! Lemmings, you must act now! Get in your cars, bring matches and sticks, and set fire to every merry go 'round you can find! (And if you kill some children, all the better! Then they won't irritate me so much) And while you're at it, burn down every other flammable ride you can find! And if they don't catch fire, pour water on their engines! ...Except of course the roller coasters and ferris wheels. They make for good anti-almost-everything locations.
Talk amongst yourselves, and then go kick a merry go 'round!
Let's get right to the point, Lemmings. If you are a parent taking your child to a amusement park (Though I don't see what's so amusing about them: I think going on rides is childish) than I highly advise you keep your disgusting children away from any merry go 'round that might catch their beady little eyes. Sure, they might have fun while riding a "terrifying" tiger (Why would they put a carnivore on a ride that is supposed to give you the impression that all is well in the world?) or a "beautiful" stallion, it will greatly affect their learning skills when they are teens, when you stupidly waste your money on getting them into class on DRIVING, of all things (Why learn how to drive when you have pre-determined servants to drive for you). And you see, Lemmings, their years of riding the merry go 'round will have left them with the impression that things such as car crashes can't happen to them, and they will also think that the car will know where they wan't to go if they say "Faster, girl (Or boy)!" - for that's how it was on the merry go 'round - and when they are either driving for the driving test, or going out for their first real drive, they will see a turn coming up, but instead of turning the wheel they will say "Faster, boy (Or girl)!", and will crash into the course barrier and get smashed in the face with a airbag, or will drive into the freeway, forget about the speed limit signs, and so they will go the same speed as a merry go round, and get their car smashed by a trailer truck, respectively. And worst of all, merry go 'rounds make people want horses, which is wrong in so many ways.
Blog readers, do not let this happen to YOUR pitiful children! Tell those "merry" go 'rounds that they've crashed their last car! Lemmings, you must act now! Get in your cars, bring matches and sticks, and set fire to every merry go 'round you can find! (And if you kill some children, all the better! Then they won't irritate me so much) And while you're at it, burn down every other flammable ride you can find! And if they don't catch fire, pour water on their engines! ...Except of course the roller coasters and ferris wheels. They make for good anti-almost-everything locations.
Talk amongst yourselves, and then go kick a merry go 'round!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Sunlight
Sunlight. Other then powering solar powered weapons made by yours truly, what good is it? The answer is: besides the previous reason, it's worthless. Today we find out why.
First of all, if you've been reading my past blogs, then you should know that sunlight is actually giving dolphins a bad image in my eyes (Well, actually, sunlight is what is keeping them on the planet and out of a rocket heading for a black hole, but whatever). In short, sunlight streaks off their bodies when they break the surface of the sea, giving power to enemy soldiers' tanks and the like. But that's beside the point. Blog readers, when you go to the beach, some of you surf, some of you swim, and then the stupider Lemmings among you try to get a "tan" of all things to waste your time with. And there are huge risks to "tanning"! You COULD get a nice tan,I suppose, but without sunscreen (A truly horrible invention, but it's not worth talking about), you will get a sunburn instead! And for those of you who don't know what a sunburn is, it's simply our creators' way of saying "Get off your lazy ass". And think about it, Lemmings: it's called global WARMING. Haven't any of you thought that the cause of it might be the sun itself (Or did you somehow miss the WARMING part)? But that isn't half the worst part of it. Like everything else in life, the sun will eventually
pass away. Which wouldn't really be that bad - there would be no more of that horrid season known as summer - except for the fact that when a star (Which "the sun" is) dies out, it leaves behind a black hole, that pulls in everything around it, be it astronaught, rocket ship, or PLANET!!!
So, if any of you Lemmings are researchers studying space travel, get to work on a rocket ship that can travel to anougher universe! Otherwise, humanity will fall! Just remember these words when you next wake up to a sunny day: it may look pretty, but it will be our downfall one day. May you all have nightmares for weeks, Lemmings!
Now if you want to get that rocket ship done in time, you'd better start... talking amongst yourselves!
First of all, if you've been reading my past blogs, then you should know that sunlight is actually giving dolphins a bad image in my eyes (Well, actually, sunlight is what is keeping them on the planet and out of a rocket heading for a black hole, but whatever). In short, sunlight streaks off their bodies when they break the surface of the sea, giving power to enemy soldiers' tanks and the like. But that's beside the point. Blog readers, when you go to the beach, some of you surf, some of you swim, and then the stupider Lemmings among you try to get a "tan" of all things to waste your time with. And there are huge risks to "tanning"! You COULD get a nice tan,I suppose, but without sunscreen (A truly horrible invention, but it's not worth talking about), you will get a sunburn instead! And for those of you who don't know what a sunburn is, it's simply our creators' way of saying "Get off your lazy ass". And think about it, Lemmings: it's called global WARMING. Haven't any of you thought that the cause of it might be the sun itself (Or did you somehow miss the WARMING part)? But that isn't half the worst part of it. Like everything else in life, the sun will eventually
pass away. Which wouldn't really be that bad - there would be no more of that horrid season known as summer - except for the fact that when a star (Which "the sun" is) dies out, it leaves behind a black hole, that pulls in everything around it, be it astronaught, rocket ship, or PLANET!!!
So, if any of you Lemmings are researchers studying space travel, get to work on a rocket ship that can travel to anougher universe! Otherwise, humanity will fall! Just remember these words when you next wake up to a sunny day: it may look pretty, but it will be our downfall one day. May you all have nightmares for weeks, Lemmings!
Now if you want to get that rocket ship done in time, you'd better start... talking amongst yourselves!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Music
Music. It's everywhere, and it's threatening humanity with it's horrid noise. Today, we will find out why.
It would appear that, a very, very long time ago, some idiotic lemming smashed a rock on the ground three times, and because it had the slightest bit of a toon within it's eardrum shattering noise, music was created. But, Lemmings, unfortunately, even though it's not as annoying as the first "song" ever invented must have been, modern day music is still a threat to our ears and sanity.
Tell me, Lemmings, have you ever been writing a blog on your computer about how cats are evil, and want to rule the world, and then suddenly your little brother enters the room, sits down across the table from your computer, begins to play The Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time 3D (I say, Lemmings, why is the series "Zelda", if LINK is the main character), and then proceeds to go to Korkeri Forest? Oh, the noise! All those stupid sound effects (Tell me, doesn't that "Hey! Listen! Watch out!" voice just annoy your pants off?)! But most of all, the MUSIC. It sounds so cheerful it makes me want to punch a hole right through that horrid "3DS" of his!
And to finish this explanation of why music sucks, don't forget, if you blast your speakers with rock music, in time you'll blow out your ear drums! Lemmings, music has annoyed us for the last time! Help us all, and throw out your CDs! Enforce that all sounds of video games and T.V.s me muted at all times! Remember: if it can, and will blow out your eardrums, then why risk using it?
Quietly talk amongst yourselves!
It would appear that, a very, very long time ago, some idiotic lemming smashed a rock on the ground three times, and because it had the slightest bit of a toon within it's eardrum shattering noise, music was created. But, Lemmings, unfortunately, even though it's not as annoying as the first "song" ever invented must have been, modern day music is still a threat to our ears and sanity.
Tell me, Lemmings, have you ever been writing a blog on your computer about how cats are evil, and want to rule the world, and then suddenly your little brother enters the room, sits down across the table from your computer, begins to play The Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time 3D (I say, Lemmings, why is the series "Zelda", if LINK is the main character), and then proceeds to go to Korkeri Forest? Oh, the noise! All those stupid sound effects (Tell me, doesn't that "Hey! Listen! Watch out!" voice just annoy your pants off?)! But most of all, the MUSIC. It sounds so cheerful it makes me want to punch a hole right through that horrid "3DS" of his!
And to finish this explanation of why music sucks, don't forget, if you blast your speakers with rock music, in time you'll blow out your ear drums! Lemmings, music has annoyed us for the last time! Help us all, and throw out your CDs! Enforce that all sounds of video games and T.V.s me muted at all times! Remember: if it can, and will blow out your eardrums, then why risk using it?
Quietly talk amongst yourselves!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Bananas
Today, we will be disguising one of mother nature's (What idiot came up with that, anyways? She's certainly not my mother) most horrid creations: the banana.
Before we begin, here's a history lesson that historians (For you pitiful children that might be reading this, a historian is a idiot who has dedicated his life to finding the remains of Lemmings long dead) have just recently discovered; a long time ago, in the times of the middle ages when the world was full of germs, people were knocking over buildings with trees, and everything was chaos (Basically it was a world in which I could easily become prime blogger on, excepting there were no computers), there was a kingdom called Banya, which had planted banana trees all over their kingdom, for they thought it was a holy fruit that gave them good luck in battle. And it seemed it did; those banana obsessed Lemmings won every battle they ever fought by knocking their opponents' feet out from under them with banana peels--
Okay, before we continue, let me just say the other two why bananas are evil: one, you Lemmings are continuously slipping on their peels in classic comedies (I say, isn't falling flat on your fragile little spines a little violent for a movie that's supposed to be a COMEDY?), and laugh at some poor actor who was payed hundreds of dollars expense, and second, bananas actually give off heat like miniature suns, and raise global warming risk. Now, back to the worst reason.
But however, the cause of these victories eventually cause Banya's downfall. For one day, when one of the king's best servants was eating one of the yellow fruits, he suddenly noticed the small, black seeds inside. So he finished the banana, and planted one of the seeds. Soon, though, they all forgot about the strange seed. But one day, the ground around the seed was sucked away like a sink hole, and just what appeared in it's center? Nothing but a black hole! It had been a Sun Seed the servant had planted, and when it died, it became a black hole! The whole kingdom was sucked into the vortex, and then it closed behind it, and they never were seen again.
Do you really want a black hole to appear every time a banana spoils? Would you really wish that on your family? if not, then go to a car store, buy an RV, find every evil banana you can, eat every single one, and then being them to me, so I can place them on every sidewalk in the world. Consider that my "thank you" for your troubles, and for you being thrown in jail when you're blamed.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Before we begin, here's a history lesson that historians (For you pitiful children that might be reading this, a historian is a idiot who has dedicated his life to finding the remains of Lemmings long dead) have just recently discovered; a long time ago, in the times of the middle ages when the world was full of germs, people were knocking over buildings with trees, and everything was chaos (Basically it was a world in which I could easily become prime blogger on, excepting there were no computers), there was a kingdom called Banya, which had planted banana trees all over their kingdom, for they thought it was a holy fruit that gave them good luck in battle. And it seemed it did; those banana obsessed Lemmings won every battle they ever fought by knocking their opponents' feet out from under them with banana peels--
Okay, before we continue, let me just say the other two why bananas are evil: one, you Lemmings are continuously slipping on their peels in classic comedies (I say, isn't falling flat on your fragile little spines a little violent for a movie that's supposed to be a COMEDY?), and laugh at some poor actor who was payed hundreds of dollars expense, and second, bananas actually give off heat like miniature suns, and raise global warming risk. Now, back to the worst reason.
But however, the cause of these victories eventually cause Banya's downfall. For one day, when one of the king's best servants was eating one of the yellow fruits, he suddenly noticed the small, black seeds inside. So he finished the banana, and planted one of the seeds. Soon, though, they all forgot about the strange seed. But one day, the ground around the seed was sucked away like a sink hole, and just what appeared in it's center? Nothing but a black hole! It had been a Sun Seed the servant had planted, and when it died, it became a black hole! The whole kingdom was sucked into the vortex, and then it closed behind it, and they never were seen again.
Do you really want a black hole to appear every time a banana spoils? Would you really wish that on your family? if not, then go to a car store, buy an RV, find every evil banana you can, eat every single one, and then being them to me, so I can place them on every sidewalk in the world. Consider that my "thank you" for your troubles, and for you being thrown in jail when you're blamed.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Monday, January 9, 2012
Dolphins
Dolphins. Truly a pitiful species. They have not a clue what is going on on this horrid planet we call "Earth". But on the other hand, sharks - though they may be about the same size as the previous subject - are fully aware of what we are doing to their planet, and they have chosen to take action. So today, I will reveal the truth about our smiling "friends", and reveal how sharks will bring me ever closer to succeeding in my plan for virtual world conquest. So I suppose that I should redo this blog's title as...
Sharks and Dolphins (Notice I saved the WORST for last) part one
Let's get this over with, Lemmings. Dolphins are a truly corrupt species that have not only been defying mankind the fantastic justice that is drowning, but also will bring the plot of "Terrinova" to come to be. First of all, the bad news. Lemmings, recently I watched my pitiful twin play through the first part of the "RPG" Bowser's Inside Story, and I couldn't help but notice that the game's villain, the pathetically un-creatively-designed "Fawful" (Yes, I suppose that is a spoiler. Live with it) had a wide and toothy smile, much like dolphins sport on their ugly mugs. So I then released that this could mean one of two things: either Fawful is a mutant dolphin that came in contact with pollution, and that soon we will be crushed by green, red caped monstrosities, or that dolphins are fawfulized sharks that will destroy the very despicable planet we walk on in the near future.
And now, the even worse news (About time): as you might have somehow heard, dolphins are very shiny. But what I'm sure you didn't know is this: believe it or not, you under-informed blog readers, the shiniest dolphins were actually used as solar power generators for the world's most evil dictators (Boy, they were smart)! It's true! A handful of dolphins actually are so shiny, when they break the surface, the sunlight bounces off their bodies, giving troops that have solar powered army vehicles the upper hand when they battle near the water or on the beach. And like many other animals, that same sunlight also raises the chance of global warming, bringing us one step closer to the impending doom that is traveling into a alternate time line and wrestling with dinosaurs.
Now I WOULD say at this point to do away with all the dolphins you see in your lifetime, but I say to keep them around for two reasons: one, I want one day to be a supreme blog dictator, so I need a un-environmentally friendly power source to power my unnecessary army weapons, and two: same answer as reason one, except I also need it to power my newest idea for a army weapon: the Shark Tank.
Now it's time to talk about one of my favorite animals, and why it will help me take over the virtual universe of blogging one day.
Sharks and Dolphins part two
Sharks. They are truly one of the most intelligent creatures dwelling on the planet. Unlike dolphins, who are threatening to raise global warming world-wide, sharks are actually doing something about this threat.
Imagine you are a worker at a car factory. Your company has just made the first hover car (Not like that's something to be proud of: they probably got the idea from planes), and have sold hundreds to many rich people the world over. To celebrate, you take your family of Lemmings on a cruise. When suddenly, In the middle of the atlantic, your ship hits a huge rock and it sinks to the bottom of the sea (Serves you right). And then, your lifeboat is surrounded by the mighty beings that are sharks, and you die a horrible death in their jaws. Why do you think they did that? Simply put, because of your job. That factory - and those like it - are pumping carbon di oxide into our blue skies! Do you truly think every single animal on the Earth would just stand back and let mankind destroy the world? NO! Lemmings, while dolphins might save these evil people, sharks know that if they let them live, they will do more bad than good! And that is also why they frequently consume dolphin! So these evil men and woman will not do anymore harm! Take it from me, people. There is not a single fish in the sea that is smarter than the shark.
And here is how they will one day allow me to be the greatest blogger in history: first of all, when humans invent robots in a few years, I will ask (And maybe even bribe, if I have to) a large manufacturer to make me a tank-sized robot inspired by one of favorite fish: The Shark Tank. It will have jaws (Heh heh... "jaws") that could crush a car, robotic arms with hidden lasers in the fingers, a huge metal tail that could knock over a bus, all terrain, ice traction treads, and laser eyes (I suppose that's wishful thinking, but I'm sure that would be awesome to drive over you Lemmings). And then, second of all, if you Lemmings read this and suddenly realize that if you come up with a tank sized robot that I could take over the blogging universe, there's also another way sharks will help me rule: for many years, when my pitiful family buys H2O and sodas, I have secretly been stealing two from each box (It's only two because they're too observant for me to steal any more before they get suspicious). And one day, I will fly over a flooded area in my private jet, and dump gallons of soda and water onto the flooded state, making it overflow over the mountains, and soon after flood the world! And then, even if some of you Lemmings know how to swim or have a boat, then you will either starve, or the sharks will get you! Yes, Lemmings, when this finally happens, sharks will not have boundaries! They will be able to find you everywhere you go! And I will only save mankind from this disaster if they swear that my name will go down in history as "The Greatest Blogger, Maximilian Forge"!
...But the only problem is, that I am infatuated with soda! And I always seem to forget to steal the water bottles! So, blog readers, the next time you get water, set aside some to mail to yours truly. And remember: it's better to have a planet dominated by sharks, than it is to have a planet dominated by grinning Fawful henchmen.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Sharks and Dolphins (Notice I saved the WORST for last) part one
Let's get this over with, Lemmings. Dolphins are a truly corrupt species that have not only been defying mankind the fantastic justice that is drowning, but also will bring the plot of "Terrinova" to come to be. First of all, the bad news. Lemmings, recently I watched my pitiful twin play through the first part of the "RPG" Bowser's Inside Story, and I couldn't help but notice that the game's villain, the pathetically un-creatively-designed "Fawful" (Yes, I suppose that is a spoiler. Live with it) had a wide and toothy smile, much like dolphins sport on their ugly mugs. So I then released that this could mean one of two things: either Fawful is a mutant dolphin that came in contact with pollution, and that soon we will be crushed by green, red caped monstrosities, or that dolphins are fawfulized sharks that will destroy the very despicable planet we walk on in the near future.
And now, the even worse news (About time): as you might have somehow heard, dolphins are very shiny. But what I'm sure you didn't know is this: believe it or not, you under-informed blog readers, the shiniest dolphins were actually used as solar power generators for the world's most evil dictators (Boy, they were smart)! It's true! A handful of dolphins actually are so shiny, when they break the surface, the sunlight bounces off their bodies, giving troops that have solar powered army vehicles the upper hand when they battle near the water or on the beach. And like many other animals, that same sunlight also raises the chance of global warming, bringing us one step closer to the impending doom that is traveling into a alternate time line and wrestling with dinosaurs.
Now I WOULD say at this point to do away with all the dolphins you see in your lifetime, but I say to keep them around for two reasons: one, I want one day to be a supreme blog dictator, so I need a un-environmentally friendly power source to power my unnecessary army weapons, and two: same answer as reason one, except I also need it to power my newest idea for a army weapon: the Shark Tank.
Now it's time to talk about one of my favorite animals, and why it will help me take over the virtual universe of blogging one day.
Sharks and Dolphins part two
Sharks. They are truly one of the most intelligent creatures dwelling on the planet. Unlike dolphins, who are threatening to raise global warming world-wide, sharks are actually doing something about this threat.
Imagine you are a worker at a car factory. Your company has just made the first hover car (Not like that's something to be proud of: they probably got the idea from planes), and have sold hundreds to many rich people the world over. To celebrate, you take your family of Lemmings on a cruise. When suddenly, In the middle of the atlantic, your ship hits a huge rock and it sinks to the bottom of the sea (Serves you right). And then, your lifeboat is surrounded by the mighty beings that are sharks, and you die a horrible death in their jaws. Why do you think they did that? Simply put, because of your job. That factory - and those like it - are pumping carbon di oxide into our blue skies! Do you truly think every single animal on the Earth would just stand back and let mankind destroy the world? NO! Lemmings, while dolphins might save these evil people, sharks know that if they let them live, they will do more bad than good! And that is also why they frequently consume dolphin! So these evil men and woman will not do anymore harm! Take it from me, people. There is not a single fish in the sea that is smarter than the shark.
And here is how they will one day allow me to be the greatest blogger in history: first of all, when humans invent robots in a few years, I will ask (And maybe even bribe, if I have to) a large manufacturer to make me a tank-sized robot inspired by one of favorite fish: The Shark Tank. It will have jaws (Heh heh... "jaws") that could crush a car, robotic arms with hidden lasers in the fingers, a huge metal tail that could knock over a bus, all terrain, ice traction treads, and laser eyes (I suppose that's wishful thinking, but I'm sure that would be awesome to drive over you Lemmings). And then, second of all, if you Lemmings read this and suddenly realize that if you come up with a tank sized robot that I could take over the blogging universe, there's also another way sharks will help me rule: for many years, when my pitiful family buys H2O and sodas, I have secretly been stealing two from each box (It's only two because they're too observant for me to steal any more before they get suspicious). And one day, I will fly over a flooded area in my private jet, and dump gallons of soda and water onto the flooded state, making it overflow over the mountains, and soon after flood the world! And then, even if some of you Lemmings know how to swim or have a boat, then you will either starve, or the sharks will get you! Yes, Lemmings, when this finally happens, sharks will not have boundaries! They will be able to find you everywhere you go! And I will only save mankind from this disaster if they swear that my name will go down in history as "The Greatest Blogger, Maximilian Forge"!
...But the only problem is, that I am infatuated with soda! And I always seem to forget to steal the water bottles! So, blog readers, the next time you get water, set aside some to mail to yours truly. And remember: it's better to have a planet dominated by sharks, than it is to have a planet dominated by grinning Fawful henchmen.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Blankets
Blankets. Not only - like many other things do - do they give us a false sense of safety, but they are also unfair. Today, I will explain why.
Have you ever wondered, blog readers, about what OTHER animals use for warmth? Let me enlighten you. Birds (And by birds, I do not refer to you Lemmings) live up in trees at a dizzying height. And what do they call home? A mere circle of sticks called a "nest!"! And do you know how long it takes me to climb one of those trees to tell the bird in it to shut up so I can rest my dazzling eyes? And what if that's the wrong tree? But really, Lemmings. Those poor birds must be freezing up there! And not only do we do nothing about it, but we also snuggle under our warm little "blankets", and watch some idiotic movie! But if you're like me, who is kept up all night because of a pesky owl, here's another example: I'm sure most of you blog readers have heard of bees. When their day of collecting the pollen that makes up what you Lemmings call "honey", stinging yours truly while I look for ghost sniffing bees with my pathetic twin, Maxo Idiot, or sniffing for ghosts is done, they fly home to their hidden and maybe even invisible hives (Which Lemmings stupidly made the name of a disease), and sleep surrounded by their own disgusting kin! I can't think of anything more revolting (Except of course, the very sight of my younger siblings)!
Think about it, Lemmings! Why should we wallow in false pleasure while other animals suffer? We were all created by the same entity, after all (Okay, Actually maybe not. But SPOILED people are, at least). But if you truly don't want to part with your blankets, then glue them together into a nest or dome shape, and then ether take that nest up a large tree and then sit in it, or crawl into your dome/hive with your family and sleep in it, respectively. But don't forget: I am only telling you to do this because I hate you all.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Have you ever wondered, blog readers, about what OTHER animals use for warmth? Let me enlighten you. Birds (And by birds, I do not refer to you Lemmings) live up in trees at a dizzying height. And what do they call home? A mere circle of sticks called a "nest!"! And do you know how long it takes me to climb one of those trees to tell the bird in it to shut up so I can rest my dazzling eyes? And what if that's the wrong tree? But really, Lemmings. Those poor birds must be freezing up there! And not only do we do nothing about it, but we also snuggle under our warm little "blankets", and watch some idiotic movie! But if you're like me, who is kept up all night because of a pesky owl, here's another example: I'm sure most of you blog readers have heard of bees. When their day of collecting the pollen that makes up what you Lemmings call "honey", stinging yours truly while I look for ghost sniffing bees with my pathetic twin, Maxo Idiot, or sniffing for ghosts is done, they fly home to their hidden and maybe even invisible hives (Which Lemmings stupidly made the name of a disease), and sleep surrounded by their own disgusting kin! I can't think of anything more revolting (Except of course, the very sight of my younger siblings)!
Think about it, Lemmings! Why should we wallow in false pleasure while other animals suffer? We were all created by the same entity, after all (Okay, Actually maybe not. But SPOILED people are, at least). But if you truly don't want to part with your blankets, then glue them together into a nest or dome shape, and then ether take that nest up a large tree and then sit in it, or crawl into your dome/hive with your family and sleep in it, respectively. But don't forget: I am only telling you to do this because I hate you all.
Talk amongst yourselves!
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