Cars. They were invented in 1984, and since then they have been the cause of many of the problems that threaten humanity. They have been pumping gallons of won-- er, HORRIBLE carbon di oxide into the air, they are constantly crashing into other cars, killing thousands, and to top it all off, they are bringing about the releases of racing games! For instance:
Just the other day, I saw my pitiful brother, Maxo (I like to refer to him as "My Little Brother, Lemming Forge" or "My Pitiful Twin, Maxo Idiot") playing some sort of reality stimulation program on some strange blue device of most certain evil (I believe it's called a 3DS, of all names). I peaked over his shoulder to see what he was plotting, and what did I see? A robotic silver plumber in a monster of a machine, raising a transparent turtle monster in a race car on a rainbow colored race track! Yes, I had relised that THIS was what plan cars had secretly been working on behind my back: Mario Kart. But never fear for my pathetic brother. In a rare act of kindness (And by kindness, I mean rage that Maxo was enjoying his pitiful life on Earth), I snatched the death device from my twin, ran out onto the porch, and obliterated the system with the one thing reality stimulation programs are weak against: being thrown into a concrete porch (And remember, the "K" and "T" in "Kart" is only there to disguise the word "Car").
Now do you see why cars are a threat to humanity (and why didn't they put a limousine as a kart in Mario Kart 7, anyway)? If you ask me, I say we were better off with horse drawn carriages! Lemmings, sell your cars as soon as possible, and get a horse instead. Remember, blog readers, it's better to have to take care of a lazy horse, than it is to have false convenience in your life.
Talk amongst your--
...wait a moment. I take the sentience about carriages back. Actually, there is one kind of "car" that stands out from the rest. And it has become a part of my everyday life. Sooooooo... despite the fact that these blogs are supposed to bring you Lemmings back to the simple truth that life sucks, I now shall lie a bit and say that there are actually things in life that I actually approve of. And so, here is the next part of this blog.
Limousines
Limousines. They certainly are as blessed as a soulless means of transportation can be. Though you pathetic Lemmings are content to drive snazzy looking sports cars and those cars that could be army weapons (I believe they are called hummers), us greedy and spoiled twelve year olds know that that will never do. And that is why the creators of the universe made the limousine.
Not only do they look amazing on the outside, but they're almost as good on the inside. There is no doubt in my mind they were made to make me and the others like me feel like the king of the world. They have everything a spoiled brat would want (Or at least MY limo has whatever I could ever want, not that I'm a brat, of course): a bar with my own bar tender (who is always out of the ingredients for a Shirley Temple), a sky light, lots of room for friends (Not that really have many friends), adjustable air conditioning, a wide-screen T.V., even a miny fridge (Which I always make sure has at least one serving of Surf and Turf inside)!
Lemmings, forget about the new car you're saving up for! Forget about that fancy house in Hawaii! If you must try to be as rich and handsome as moi, then get a limousine! If we work together, we will be able to shape the world in MY image! Everyone will be the same! Everyone will be mean! Everyone will be spoiled! And best of all, everyone will do as I say!
So you'd better get a limousine, or else I'll sue you! ...But I suppose I'll still let you talk amongst yourselves.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Umbrellas
Umbrellas are a item that I have only just recently made sense of. They have been protecting us from the healthy misery that is the feeling of having soaked through clothes.
At this point, I would say that umbrellas are evil items of manipulation, sent to Earth to give us a sense of ease so we are unprepared when the monsters that sent them strike, wiping all life on the planet out of existence, but the day before yesterday, I realized that umbrellas might be even more mysterious than I have been assuming (Not that they aren't evil items of manipulation, mind you).
It has come to my attention that there is a strange and idiotic mix-up in our pathetic Lemming-filled country. In my disgustingly wet country of Washington (I am at a loss to why they couldn't come up with a better name, and remember, George Washington was the reason why President Nixon could only be in office for eight years maximum), rain pours on my handsome head, and yet, nobody is buying any umbrellas to offer me when I sulk by their houses (Not that I ever do, mind you, I'm always inside my personal limo, toasty warm)! It would seem that you, Washington Lemmings, are content to bundle up in a jacket like a Eskimo, while I suffer (and by suffer, I mean complain that my personal bar tender is out of the ingredients for a Shirley Temple)!
And then we have you Lemmings down in Florida and such. I hear that most of the population there is old crimbles who can't handle the freezing winters and nauseating springs of Washington. But this is what I am bamboozled about: if they can hardly bear the weight of a raindrop on their failing spines, then how can they possibly carry an umbrella? Yes, blog readers, despite there being hardly a drop of moisture in the state, it would seem the horrid impression of the miserable and uncaring state of Washington has forever left these "poor" Lemmings unable to tell the difference between hot and cold or black and white, and so they are buying three umbrellas per person for everyone in the state. And now that I think about it, what if Washington has the same problem, and that is why no one cares about poor moi.
Lemmings, do not let this happen to you! Protect your worthless families, and do the right thing: move to Alaska, so I will never be bothered by you idiots or your pathetic ways ever again. Remember, blog readers, it's better to make me happy, than it to make me write more blogs telling you how stupid the human race is.
Talk amongst yourselves!
At this point, I would say that umbrellas are evil items of manipulation, sent to Earth to give us a sense of ease so we are unprepared when the monsters that sent them strike, wiping all life on the planet out of existence, but the day before yesterday, I realized that umbrellas might be even more mysterious than I have been assuming (Not that they aren't evil items of manipulation, mind you).
It has come to my attention that there is a strange and idiotic mix-up in our pathetic Lemming-filled country. In my disgustingly wet country of Washington (I am at a loss to why they couldn't come up with a better name, and remember, George Washington was the reason why President Nixon could only be in office for eight years maximum), rain pours on my handsome head, and yet, nobody is buying any umbrellas to offer me when I sulk by their houses (Not that I ever do, mind you, I'm always inside my personal limo, toasty warm)! It would seem that you, Washington Lemmings, are content to bundle up in a jacket like a Eskimo, while I suffer (and by suffer, I mean complain that my personal bar tender is out of the ingredients for a Shirley Temple)!
And then we have you Lemmings down in Florida and such. I hear that most of the population there is old crimbles who can't handle the freezing winters and nauseating springs of Washington. But this is what I am bamboozled about: if they can hardly bear the weight of a raindrop on their failing spines, then how can they possibly carry an umbrella? Yes, blog readers, despite there being hardly a drop of moisture in the state, it would seem the horrid impression of the miserable and uncaring state of Washington has forever left these "poor" Lemmings unable to tell the difference between hot and cold or black and white, and so they are buying three umbrellas per person for everyone in the state. And now that I think about it, what if Washington has the same problem, and that is why no one cares about poor moi.
Lemmings, do not let this happen to you! Protect your worthless families, and do the right thing: move to Alaska, so I will never be bothered by you idiots or your pathetic ways ever again. Remember, blog readers, it's better to make me happy, than it to make me write more blogs telling you how stupid the human race is.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Shoes
Shoes. A bad habit even I, the great Maximilian Forge, struggle to overcome.
For years, shoes have seemed to be sincere, protecting our feet from rocks, mud, and, of course, rabid scorpions. But I, blog readers, know that one day, shoes will turn on us, and cause the downfall of humanity! Remember, that even though you cannot see it with your Lemming eyes, everyday little bits of you (you Lemmings call it dust) and many other things are coming off you! So when you break a plate seventy years from now, and put on your shoes that you got on the Internet, they will have no bottoms because you didn't see it said "used" (as in used by fifty other people) in the product description!
And speaking of shoes and dust, every day your very shoes are kicking particles of the Earth into the atmosphere! And one day five thousand years shoes will cause the very foundation of the planet to collapse! And your descendants will plummet to a firey doom!
Do you really want that, Lemmings? Do you want to be blamed for the destruction of possibly all of mankind? ...I didn't think so. But this can be avoided! Lemmings, unit! Gather your shoes, and toss them to the wind (or, ship them to someone you cold, honest, snow-covered feet are better than warm, false, clean feet inside huge shoes that will cause the downfall of the planet. This statement might give you nightmares for the rest of your lives, but it's simply the truth. I leave you with that thought forever imprinted on your miniature brains.
Talk amongst yourselves!
For years, shoes have seemed to be sincere, protecting our feet from rocks, mud, and, of course, rabid scorpions. But I, blog readers, know that one day, shoes will turn on us, and cause the downfall of humanity! Remember, that even though you cannot see it with your Lemming eyes, everyday little bits of you (you Lemmings call it dust) and many other things are coming off you! So when you break a plate seventy years from now, and put on your shoes that you got on the Internet, they will have no bottoms because you didn't see it said "used" (as in used by fifty other people) in the product description!
And speaking of shoes and dust, every day your very shoes are kicking particles of the Earth into the atmosphere! And one day five thousand years shoes will cause the very foundation of the planet to collapse! And your descendants will plummet to a firey doom!
Do you really want that, Lemmings? Do you want to be blamed for the destruction of possibly all of mankind? ...I didn't think so. But this can be avoided! Lemmings, unit! Gather your shoes, and toss them to the wind (or, ship them to someone you cold, honest, snow-covered feet are better than warm, false, clean feet inside huge shoes that will cause the downfall of the planet. This statement might give you nightmares for the rest of your lives, but it's simply the truth. I leave you with that thought forever imprinted on your miniature brains.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Coffee
Coffee. One of the planet's most common beverages. But, why and how does it give you energy? What cruel secret hides behind it's mask of beauty?
Today, my loyal Lemmings, I will show you. First is the fact that it's true color is almost pitch black. For all we know, that could the the color of a battalion of liquid aliens, or a liquid monster from the depths of Hell, come to invade our bodies and take us out from the inside! Do not be fooled by the color they might change when you dump barrels of sugar or gallons of cream in them! It is simply hiding the true form of the monster that is coffee!
Or, it could be a alien fluid put on Earth by U.F.O.s, that gives us energy at first, but in your later years overloads your system, causing you to combust! Or for all we know, it is slowly giving your cups a conscious mind, and then will manipulate them into destroying all human life on the planet!
But, it would seem that some of you Lemmings already know the true form of the evil entity that is coffee, and have banned it from your homes. Blog readers, follow this example, and do away with the gallons of horrid coffee in your dwellings, and you might just be spared when disaster strikes! I will now leave you, so I can dump Faith Forge's new coffee can into the coffee filled trash.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Spoons
Let me begin by saying that I spent most of my day riding hither and yon to various and a sundry press junkets in a thirty foot limo. It should be apparent to you why this would logically drag my thoughts, kicking and screaming, to the pure insanity that is the spoon.
Clearly, limousines are fabulous abuses of natural resources that smack Mother Nature in the face with the el dente noodle of progress and excess, and spoons so obviously do the very same thing. So stop shoveling Fruity Loopies into your spoon hole while you sit at a long red light in your Yugo, and wrap your tiny, furry, point-five steps above a primate mind around the truth I'm dropping in your rainbow ring littered lap.
Spoons. Limos.
Limos. Spoons.
The end of civilization in the form of the long, lazy bucket of a limo seat contoured to cradle your ever growing buttocks that thrives on every spoonful of extra creamy, double-whipped pudding pie delight. Has anyone looked at the rear quarters of a male ballet dancer lately? It so happens that I was recently forced to do so due to a medical condition and let me say this: Unless your butt can double as a wrecking ball, you need to avoid spoons all together. The bites are too easy, too big, and too prone to go straight to your arse.
Would you really want to find yourself stuck in a limousine... as if you'd ever find yourself in one.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Clearly, limousines are fabulous abuses of natural resources that smack Mother Nature in the face with the el dente noodle of progress and excess, and spoons so obviously do the very same thing. So stop shoveling Fruity Loopies into your spoon hole while you sit at a long red light in your Yugo, and wrap your tiny, furry, point-five steps above a primate mind around the truth I'm dropping in your rainbow ring littered lap.
Spoons. Limos.
Limos. Spoons.
The end of civilization in the form of the long, lazy bucket of a limo seat contoured to cradle your ever growing buttocks that thrives on every spoonful of extra creamy, double-whipped pudding pie delight. Has anyone looked at the rear quarters of a male ballet dancer lately? It so happens that I was recently forced to do so due to a medical condition and let me say this: Unless your butt can double as a wrecking ball, you need to avoid spoons all together. The bites are too easy, too big, and too prone to go straight to your arse.
Would you really want to find yourself stuck in a limousine... as if you'd ever find yourself in one.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Indoor Heat
Indoor Heat. "What a splendid idea!" you say. Well, Lemmings, that is actually one of humanity's greatest mistakes. I mean, really. Think about it. Say you have a open fireplace and wood floor. Just one spark from that fireplace could set your house blazing! And what if you live in a area with few trees? Or what if you cut down all the trees in the state for your fire? All the carbon di oxied from your wood stove and the like will raise the risk of global warming!
"But, what if I have a furnace? That doesn't have a chimney,v so it'll be okay, right?" you say. No, actually, Lemming. Sure, you won't be blamed fifty years from now for the flooding of Texas, but in a few years or so, all the heat in your house will ether make you so relaxed that you seal off any ways outside air could invade your home, and then you die after using up all the air in your house, or when you next try to take a hot bath, your brain will be fried. And yes, even heaters are dangerous. Remember, they add to your electric bill!
Blog readers, take this as a warning! Indoor heat is a indoor terror! So remember this when you shiver in the cold air, and go to turn up the heat: it's better to be freezing then it is to have a toasted head.
Talk amongst yourselves, you chilly Lemmings!
"But, what if I have a furnace? That doesn't have a chimney,v so it'll be okay, right?" you say. No, actually, Lemming. Sure, you won't be blamed fifty years from now for the flooding of Texas, but in a few years or so, all the heat in your house will ether make you so relaxed that you seal off any ways outside air could invade your home, and then you die after using up all the air in your house, or when you next try to take a hot bath, your brain will be fried. And yes, even heaters are dangerous. Remember, they add to your electric bill!
Blog readers, take this as a warning! Indoor heat is a indoor terror! So remember this when you shiver in the cold air, and go to turn up the heat: it's better to be freezing then it is to have a toasted head.
Talk amongst yourselves, you chilly Lemmings!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Chairs
Chairs. What idiot came up with this idiotic idea? All chairs are is something to sit on. And what does that do? Quite plainly, it makes you lazy!
You might never have thought about this, but it is the simple truth. Chairs and the like will eventually ruin our body structure to the point when, a few generations later, we will scrub to gravity after five years of age!
Blog readers, let me bring you back to reality; Life is not a cheerful experience. Every day, people are passing away, certain species of animals are going extinct, and thousands of Lemmings - such as yourselves - are idiotically walking off cliffs. And couches and padded chairs are giving us the impression that all is well in the world? HA! Pleasure is a distraction from the true, hateful world! If you are enjoying a quiet moment reading a book on your couch, you will be unprepared when your house is flooded because the toilet over-flowed! As opposed to if you were lifting fifty pound weights, from which you could plainly into the open bathroom door upstairs, and you could additionally see water dripping over the toilet bowl, and could run and plunge it.
And don't forget that chair factories are raising the risk of global warming! Those millions of smoke stacks are polluting our green world (Not that I really care, mind you)! Blog readers! Make the right choice and do away with your chairs! Do it for future generations! Do it for the world! But most of all, do it for yourselves; In other words, do it for Lemmings. c
Talk amongst yourselves!
You might never have thought about this, but it is the simple truth. Chairs and the like will eventually ruin our body structure to the point when, a few generations later, we will scrub to gravity after five years of age!
Blog readers, let me bring you back to reality; Life is not a cheerful experience. Every day, people are passing away, certain species of animals are going extinct, and thousands of Lemmings - such as yourselves - are idiotically walking off cliffs. And couches and padded chairs are giving us the impression that all is well in the world? HA! Pleasure is a distraction from the true, hateful world! If you are enjoying a quiet moment reading a book on your couch, you will be unprepared when your house is flooded because the toilet over-flowed! As opposed to if you were lifting fifty pound weights, from which you could plainly into the open bathroom door upstairs, and you could additionally see water dripping over the toilet bowl, and could run and plunge it.
And don't forget that chair factories are raising the risk of global warming! Those millions of smoke stacks are polluting our green world (Not that I really care, mind you)! Blog readers! Make the right choice and do away with your chairs! Do it for future generations! Do it for the world! But most of all, do it for yourselves; In other words, do it for Lemmings. c
Talk amongst yourselves!
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