Hello, my lemming followers. Today we will discuss one of the most idiotic things that lemming-kind has ever used their tiny minds to come up with. The "constellation" (Don't ask, I don't get how you came up with that either) known as Ursa Major and Ursa Minor.
I'd like to begin that saying that I do not only harbor resentment for these two clusters of stars. I am only pointing out this pair because just this example will be more than enough to prove my point, and if I wrote about the others this blog would have to be a two-parter. But enough introduction. On to the reason this blog was about stars instead of paintings, cookies, or even - *shudder!* - wheel-shaped pasta noodles! I HATE those horrid little WHEELS!!! How can anyone eat them when they look like one of the four things on your car that roll through mud, dust, and nuclear waste?! ...But that's a blog for another time. Oh yes. My point.
Ursa Major. Easily one of my top five least favorite star formations. First of all, it's story is just horrible! The king of the gods, Zeus, is attracted to a nymph named Callisto. Now Hera, who was jealous of this, turned Callisto into a bear. Later, Callisto happened apon her son Arcas. The little brat tries to shoot that aforementioned ugly old bear, and Zeus then turns Arcas into a bear and sends them into the heavens to prevent the horrible fate. I suppose it isn't too bad a tale (I'm a big fan of jealousy and drama), but then it's happy ending has to be ruined by the two bears getting shot into space to live happily ever after as Ursa Major and Ursa Minor (Or something, I'm not sure what it's like being transformed into flaming gasses that burn any rocket ship that comes near it). Second, Ursa Major's design is flawed. If you look at it's original formation, it's "head" is pointed and it looks like Myrmecophaga Tridactyla Major. And if you look at it from it's more recent formation then not all of it's head is shown. And what is shown makes it's head bigger than it's body! Ridiculous! Oh, yes... and of course there's the fact that there are TWO HUGE BEARS floating around in the sky that could swoop down and eat a super market at any moment! Obviously, THIS is how we will end come December twenty one, two-thousand twelve! Those two bears will pounce on the earth, eat a lot of screaming lemmings, snatch up some important person, climb a tall building, then fall off of it, with the resulting shock wave killing us all.
Blog readers, hear my warning to all of you! We must prepare for the day these horrible creatures return to the earth! Upgrade our weapons! Make huge bear traps! And while those lemmings work on our offensive, all of the other viewers of my blog must work on rocket ships to escape the planet should the worst happen! Lemmings, we will not go down without a fight! Together, we will defeat those monsters, and I guarantee that come the dawn of a new day, there will be bear fur coats for all! ...Of course, then I will write a blog about fur coats so that I won't have to see bear fur brown every second of the day.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Tom Tita
Today, instead of helping YOU correct your mistakes, I am correcting one of MINE (However, this is something I don't do often; this is my first "mistake" in ten mouths). You see, while I was addressing the problem-- no, THREAT of the hideous evil that is the cat, I forgot to mention my personal example of the common cat's evil traits. Yes, at long last there is a problem in this world which I have witnessed, and seen face-to-face, eye-to-eye (Well, maybe not EXACTLY eye-to-eye, but I'm sure you get the point by now). Yes, blog readers, it's none other than Tom Tita.
The fact is, Lemmings, is that when people tell you that cats will one transform into monsters, aliens or other horrid beasts and over-throw the government, it either means they are insane, experiencing hallucinations, writing a good horror story, or are reading my blogs. Truer words were never spoken. Cats ARE evil, they ARE going to over-throw the government, and they CAN transform into horrid things (That'll give some of you nightmares). And who do you think the under-cover leader of these horrible invaders from the darkest depths of evil is? None other than Tom Tita. I mean, really, Lemmings. First of all, those freaky rainbow lights. What is their secret? Let me tell you: they are OBVIOUSLY the most powerful lasers alien technology can make, set on very, very low power as a warning to all who come near! Next, that cat carrier is like a cat carrier from hell! I mean, really: IT'S PITCH BLACK!!!! What more proof do you need? It is, without a doubt, the evil general (Tom Tita, for all the idiots who don't get that "Double T" - as my pathetic brother, Lemming Forge calls him - is a evil alien leader)'s private spaceship, hidden away in it's secret hanger in the basement of the strange and insane Crazy Cat Lady's house, who must be one of the other alien generals in a human disguise, and that is why she has so many of the vile creatures around (And I suspect she called in my sister so her army could capture her, and bring her back to their home world. Sadly, however, they apparently failed).
Lemmings, I have tried to warn my clueless brother about this threat, but he doesn't believe me. Do not let these monsters fool you, as well! Cats are evil and vile creatures that read about all your secrets when you aren't looking, and will one day use them to destroy the world! I can report multiple people who have tried to warn you about the evil of cats, and yet you don't listen! Well, come back to your senses, blog readers! Get rid of your cats, and show "Tom Tita" that he can't control us anymore! If we take action now, we will win this war before it starts! Do not let these monsters win!
I leave you now, to talk amongst yourselves.
The fact is, Lemmings, is that when people tell you that cats will one transform into monsters, aliens or other horrid beasts and over-throw the government, it either means they are insane, experiencing hallucinations, writing a good horror story, or are reading my blogs. Truer words were never spoken. Cats ARE evil, they ARE going to over-throw the government, and they CAN transform into horrid things (That'll give some of you nightmares). And who do you think the under-cover leader of these horrible invaders from the darkest depths of evil is? None other than Tom Tita. I mean, really, Lemmings. First of all, those freaky rainbow lights. What is their secret? Let me tell you: they are OBVIOUSLY the most powerful lasers alien technology can make, set on very, very low power as a warning to all who come near! Next, that cat carrier is like a cat carrier from hell! I mean, really: IT'S PITCH BLACK!!!! What more proof do you need? It is, without a doubt, the evil general (Tom Tita, for all the idiots who don't get that "Double T" - as my pathetic brother, Lemming Forge calls him - is a evil alien leader)'s private spaceship, hidden away in it's secret hanger in the basement of the strange and insane Crazy Cat Lady's house, who must be one of the other alien generals in a human disguise, and that is why she has so many of the vile creatures around (And I suspect she called in my sister so her army could capture her, and bring her back to their home world. Sadly, however, they apparently failed).
Lemmings, I have tried to warn my clueless brother about this threat, but he doesn't believe me. Do not let these monsters fool you, as well! Cats are evil and vile creatures that read about all your secrets when you aren't looking, and will one day use them to destroy the world! I can report multiple people who have tried to warn you about the evil of cats, and yet you don't listen! Well, come back to your senses, blog readers! Get rid of your cats, and show "Tom Tita" that he can't control us anymore! If we take action now, we will win this war before it starts! Do not let these monsters win!
I leave you now, to talk amongst yourselves.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Air
Air. It's what keeps magnificent me alive, and sadly, my siblings, and, of course, you. However, today we will be disguising a side of oxygen you've never seen.
Lemmings, we live on a filthy planet. Smog, trash and germs are everywhere. And where does the stench of all that compost and toxins levitate into? The air. And who breaths this air? You. That's right, Lemmings. Every day you are inhaling gallons of pollutants into your horrid body's system! And what if a microscopic bug is flying in your vicinity? It'll be sucked right into your inhaling mouth! Truly, Lemmings. Do you really want that? Everyday sucking pollutants into your body by inhaling like a pink marshmallow who fights disturbing evil beings (Mind you, I don't believe in "video games". I see them for what they really are: mind-numbing wastes of time that only someone of an inferior intellect would enjoy [Like my pathetic brother, Maxo Idiot]), and eats multiple members of it's cousin species for no reason?
I'm guessing you don't. At this point, I would make clear to you how you can fix your fumbles and join one of the many people that been liberated from their stupidity through my ingenious blogs of positive manipulation of your life, but sadly it would appear that if every idiot on the planet holds their breath for the whole of their lives, I would not have much to rule when I dominate and seize control of the internet. So here's what I, the great Maximilian, recommend: you have all heard of the so-called "air freshener." it is a object of falsehood, which fools use to manipulate their friends, family, and random people Fabreeze brings into a dump of a building blind-folded into believing that they are in a lovely seaside mansion in Hilton Head, instead of a large-pile-of-garbage-side crumbling tool shed in a garbage dump located in who-knows-where. But here is my ingenious idea: literally PURIFY the air. And best of all, you don't have to wait for an idiot in a lab coat to invent such a device, because you can do it yourself, AT HOME, for only a large amount of the worthless green paper known as "money" (I'll discuss that in dew time). Here's how: the first step is to buy as much duct-tape - or other such items - you can possibly buy, and lock your doors and windows. Then, have your pitiful family apply the objects/pieces of the object (If it's tape) onto every surface that could possibly let in air. Be sure there are no leaks (I advise double or triple coating). However, leave one opening untouched. This is for your other relatives to bring you the food you tell them to buy for you (Be sure to keep your family out of whatever room that breech is in, otherwise they will once again be inhaling pollution and bugs like Kirby [Or is it Keeby... Oh forget it]). It would be more convenient for your food deliverers and you'd get your food delivered faster if you choose a lower window or pet door, but I would suggest a higher one, or an attic window. You'll get your food much slower, but I'm sure it'll be worth it when you watch them try to find a way onto the roof. If you happen to have one of those beasts known as a dog living in your house, then before you start blocking the evil that is air out of your house, recreate your yard in your living room (In other words, move your furniture into another room, shovel dirt over the floor, plant some grass seeds in it, move your dog's doghouse inside, move in your flower pots, paint the sky on the wall, build a replaca of your house, you get the idea. It's probably not easy, [I don't test the results of my intelligence] but it's worth it, for you see, Lemmings, after that, you never have to leave the house again). I wouldn't encourage inviting guests over or holding parties, as it would let all the germs that the guests have been breathing into your house once more. Now, there you have the perfect plan to stand up to the air, and the horrid things that it carries.
Now, the last step is to determine what you will use to seal up those air breeches. So you'd better... talk amongst yourselves!
Lemmings, we live on a filthy planet. Smog, trash and germs are everywhere. And where does the stench of all that compost and toxins levitate into? The air. And who breaths this air? You. That's right, Lemmings. Every day you are inhaling gallons of pollutants into your horrid body's system! And what if a microscopic bug is flying in your vicinity? It'll be sucked right into your inhaling mouth! Truly, Lemmings. Do you really want that? Everyday sucking pollutants into your body by inhaling like a pink marshmallow who fights disturbing evil beings (Mind you, I don't believe in "video games". I see them for what they really are: mind-numbing wastes of time that only someone of an inferior intellect would enjoy [Like my pathetic brother, Maxo Idiot]), and eats multiple members of it's cousin species for no reason?
I'm guessing you don't. At this point, I would make clear to you how you can fix your fumbles and join one of the many people that been liberated from their stupidity through my ingenious blogs of positive manipulation of your life, but sadly it would appear that if every idiot on the planet holds their breath for the whole of their lives, I would not have much to rule when I dominate and seize control of the internet. So here's what I, the great Maximilian, recommend: you have all heard of the so-called "air freshener." it is a object of falsehood, which fools use to manipulate their friends, family, and random people Fabreeze brings into a dump of a building blind-folded into believing that they are in a lovely seaside mansion in Hilton Head, instead of a large-pile-of-garbage-side crumbling tool shed in a garbage dump located in who-knows-where. But here is my ingenious idea: literally PURIFY the air. And best of all, you don't have to wait for an idiot in a lab coat to invent such a device, because you can do it yourself, AT HOME, for only a large amount of the worthless green paper known as "money" (I'll discuss that in dew time). Here's how: the first step is to buy as much duct-tape - or other such items - you can possibly buy, and lock your doors and windows. Then, have your pitiful family apply the objects/pieces of the object (If it's tape) onto every surface that could possibly let in air. Be sure there are no leaks (I advise double or triple coating). However, leave one opening untouched. This is for your other relatives to bring you the food you tell them to buy for you (Be sure to keep your family out of whatever room that breech is in, otherwise they will once again be inhaling pollution and bugs like Kirby [Or is it Keeby... Oh forget it]). It would be more convenient for your food deliverers and you'd get your food delivered faster if you choose a lower window or pet door, but I would suggest a higher one, or an attic window. You'll get your food much slower, but I'm sure it'll be worth it when you watch them try to find a way onto the roof. If you happen to have one of those beasts known as a dog living in your house, then before you start blocking the evil that is air out of your house, recreate your yard in your living room (In other words, move your furniture into another room, shovel dirt over the floor, plant some grass seeds in it, move your dog's doghouse inside, move in your flower pots, paint the sky on the wall, build a replaca of your house, you get the idea. It's probably not easy, [I don't test the results of my intelligence] but it's worth it, for you see, Lemmings, after that, you never have to leave the house again). I wouldn't encourage inviting guests over or holding parties, as it would let all the germs that the guests have been breathing into your house once more. Now, there you have the perfect plan to stand up to the air, and the horrid things that it carries.
Now, the last step is to determine what you will use to seal up those air breeches. So you'd better... talk amongst yourselves!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
"Twilight" vs "Milk"
Sadly -- and by sadly I mean sobbing uncontrollably, writhing on the floor in emotional agony while incoherently weeping "mommy" in a lyrical foreign language -- I am not yet old enough to legally see most movies without either the express permission of my maternal unit or her actual presence in a theater chair somewhere in the same dark room as me. Since I, not unlike Stewie of some renown, have never trusted the intentions of the woman who was my portal into this world (my distrust primarily rooted in her inability to cook a decent mac and cheese casserole like other decent American mothers and her unduly love of all things Buffy the Vampire Slayer [do not believe my sister is named Faith after the amorphous sense of believing in something we cannot see or touch no matter what the half-pint tells you in a YouTube]), I have as much interest in going to a movie with my mother as I do in being dipped in hot peanut butter with mousy chunks and flung into a pit of poisonous snakes... who love peanut butter.
That being said, and said quite eloquently I might add, I was not able to legally see any of the "Twilight" films or the film "Milk." After a certain amount of research, consisting of two Google searches and seven searches on Bing for antacid (which led me to a home brew recipe for an excellent anti-corrosive for large scale Naval battle ships [which I was stunned to find has nothing whatsoever to do with ship charms that dangle from belly button piercings, a topic which has always fascinated and repulsed me in equal measure]), I found that actually seeing a movie has no bearing on whether or not one can effectively review it. As a matter of fact, it appears that every reviewer working for [CENSORED] Magazine, for instance, has signed a waiver stating they guarantee they will not set foot in a house of popcorn but rather review every movie by standing outside, no matter what the weather, simply staring at the film's poster while being hand fed jelly beans by Republican hopefuls (of which there are fewer every day, it sadly seems).
And so it is with great expertise and candor that I now make this ground shaking announcement:
The "Twilight" movies suck eggs and "Milk" was the best film ever written.
If, by any twist of fate, you have given birth to a Mormon child, rest assured that you have a fifty percent chance that said child will grow up to write the best film ever written. Of course, that leaves the remaining fifty percent possibility that said offspring will "mature" (those quotes have never been more intentional) to write about ancient, pasty, high school pedophile vampires with sparkles that are worthy of a young girl's immortal soul and teenage werewolves with rippling muscles and gentle romantic hearts worthy of Taylor Swift who find an eternal mate in an infant. Mind you, to increase your chances of your progeny producing an emotionally rich, stunningly honest and spiritually satisfying film, have male offspring listen to loops of Taylor Swift songs or have female offspring learn every Melissa Etheridge song on kazoo.
If you feel that the "Twilight" films cannot possibly be blamed on the author of the "Twilight" books, or you feel that the books and films were harmless escapism for all ages and to brood is to be manly, or should you believe that Tom Cruise had every right and reason to sit his taut buttocks on the rights to Harvey Milk's biography, than this is a free country (God bless us, every one) and you are quite free to...
...talk amongst yourselves.
That being said, and said quite eloquently I might add, I was not able to legally see any of the "Twilight" films or the film "Milk." After a certain amount of research, consisting of two Google searches and seven searches on Bing for antacid (which led me to a home brew recipe for an excellent anti-corrosive for large scale Naval battle ships [which I was stunned to find has nothing whatsoever to do with ship charms that dangle from belly button piercings, a topic which has always fascinated and repulsed me in equal measure]), I found that actually seeing a movie has no bearing on whether or not one can effectively review it. As a matter of fact, it appears that every reviewer working for [CENSORED] Magazine, for instance, has signed a waiver stating they guarantee they will not set foot in a house of popcorn but rather review every movie by standing outside, no matter what the weather, simply staring at the film's poster while being hand fed jelly beans by Republican hopefuls (of which there are fewer every day, it sadly seems).
And so it is with great expertise and candor that I now make this ground shaking announcement:
The "Twilight" movies suck eggs and "Milk" was the best film ever written.
If, by any twist of fate, you have given birth to a Mormon child, rest assured that you have a fifty percent chance that said child will grow up to write the best film ever written. Of course, that leaves the remaining fifty percent possibility that said offspring will "mature" (those quotes have never been more intentional) to write about ancient, pasty, high school pedophile vampires with sparkles that are worthy of a young girl's immortal soul and teenage werewolves with rippling muscles and gentle romantic hearts worthy of Taylor Swift who find an eternal mate in an infant. Mind you, to increase your chances of your progeny producing an emotionally rich, stunningly honest and spiritually satisfying film, have male offspring listen to loops of Taylor Swift songs or have female offspring learn every Melissa Etheridge song on kazoo.
If you feel that the "Twilight" films cannot possibly be blamed on the author of the "Twilight" books, or you feel that the books and films were harmless escapism for all ages and to brood is to be manly, or should you believe that Tom Cruise had every right and reason to sit his taut buttocks on the rights to Harvey Milk's biography, than this is a free country (God bless us, every one) and you are quite free to...
...talk amongst yourselves.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Cat Eyebrows
Today, we take a spin in my limousine (Which I now plan to put a shark tank inside of) down memory lane, as we revisit one of my first complaints about life: the cat. But we are not talking about the cat itself, mind you. Today, we are talking about the cat's cleverly hidden... EYEBROWS!!!!
Before continuing, take a look at a cat (Or open a picture of a cat on Google. You'll see what I mean [Not that I actually do anything on Google for real, mind you]). You will no doubtedly notice the mustache that we call "Whiskers." (Really, Lemmings? WHISKERS?! What, did cats at one point in time use them to whisk eggs for their masters?) But look closely above their eyes. And what should you see? Nothing other then CAT EYEBROWS! These disgusting things look like whiskers gone mad! They are the same color as a cat mustache (Pardon, "WHISKERS"), but they tower upwards like bug antennae! And think about it; what if on those skinny little threads are microscopic eyes, observing everything we do... finding how to get into your room un-detected... discovering all your secrets (This is made easier for them if you tell them willingly)... until one day... THEY WILL KILL YOU ALL!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!! ...Couldn't resist.
Would you really just stand back and watch as a alien brigade takes over the universe? ...Yes? You're lazy. ...No? You either are heroic, or you have a death wish. But either way, take action! Do away with your "Fluffs", and it might not be too late! And remember: there might be such a thing as a HOT dog, but there isn't such a thing as a COOL cat.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Before continuing, take a look at a cat (Or open a picture of a cat on Google. You'll see what I mean [Not that I actually do anything on Google for real, mind you]). You will no doubtedly notice the mustache that we call "Whiskers." (Really, Lemmings? WHISKERS?! What, did cats at one point in time use them to whisk eggs for their masters?) But look closely above their eyes. And what should you see? Nothing other then CAT EYEBROWS! These disgusting things look like whiskers gone mad! They are the same color as a cat mustache (Pardon, "WHISKERS"), but they tower upwards like bug antennae! And think about it; what if on those skinny little threads are microscopic eyes, observing everything we do... finding how to get into your room un-detected... discovering all your secrets (This is made easier for them if you tell them willingly)... until one day... THEY WILL KILL YOU ALL!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!! ...Couldn't resist.
Would you really just stand back and watch as a alien brigade takes over the universe? ...Yes? You're lazy. ...No? You either are heroic, or you have a death wish. But either way, take action! Do away with your "Fluffs", and it might not be too late! And remember: there might be such a thing as a HOT dog, but there isn't such a thing as a COOL cat.
Talk amongst yourselves!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Stoplights
Stoplights. Why, oh why did someone come up with such a horrible idea? But he/she/they did, and here we are.
A long time ago, we didn't have stoplights. We had police men, who would stand in the middle of a road, direct traffic, and on occasion, get splattered over someone's windshield (I just love it when those disgusting things happen to some unlucky driver... as long as it isn't my driver). But now we have traffic lights, or, stoplights. And you can't watch a stoplight get splattered over a windshield (Although you CAN watch someone's car hood ripped off in one second flat). And the worst part is, they bring order to intersections, letting you ENJOY driving (I can't stand it when people sing along to the radio, or have the peace of mind to actually TALK while at the wheel)!
However, imagine what would happen if someone - like yours truly - TOOK AWAY the stoplights! There would be total CHAOS!!! Cars would be stuck in traffic for hours, with traffic leading right around town! Trailer trucks would crash into one another, making further delay by blocking the roads! And I would only restore order to the world if the Lemmings of the planet made me supreme blogger! HA HA HA HA HA!!!
...Only problem is, the city would simply as the traffic light companies to replace the missing lights! So, blog readers, I not-so-humbly ask you to suggest that traffic light companies all be blown to pieces by atomic bombs.
Talk amongst yourselves, but don't consider traveling by plane instead.
A long time ago, we didn't have stoplights. We had police men, who would stand in the middle of a road, direct traffic, and on occasion, get splattered over someone's windshield (I just love it when those disgusting things happen to some unlucky driver... as long as it isn't my driver). But now we have traffic lights, or, stoplights. And you can't watch a stoplight get splattered over a windshield (Although you CAN watch someone's car hood ripped off in one second flat). And the worst part is, they bring order to intersections, letting you ENJOY driving (I can't stand it when people sing along to the radio, or have the peace of mind to actually TALK while at the wheel)!
However, imagine what would happen if someone - like yours truly - TOOK AWAY the stoplights! There would be total CHAOS!!! Cars would be stuck in traffic for hours, with traffic leading right around town! Trailer trucks would crash into one another, making further delay by blocking the roads! And I would only restore order to the world if the Lemmings of the planet made me supreme blogger! HA HA HA HA HA!!!
...Only problem is, the city would simply as the traffic light companies to replace the missing lights! So, blog readers, I not-so-humbly ask you to suggest that traffic light companies all be blown to pieces by atomic bombs.
Talk amongst yourselves, but don't consider traveling by plane instead.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Cow Udders
A cow's udder. What a nauseating and horrid thing. Today, we find out why cow milk should be banned from the state (I mean other then the fact that cow udders are nauseating and horrid)
Here's the truth, Lemmings: long ago (At least, according to some unconfirmed information on a fake history website that I read about when I was five years old), the white liquid you idiotically call "milk" actually came from a fruit (No, Lemmings, not "coconut milk." REAL milk)! Then, one day, while I was in the super market, I looked one of the many brands of milk that we didn't buy, and - oh, the horror! - what did I see on that canister? A COW!!!!! NOT A FRUIT (Or vegetable, for that matter)!!!!! I quickly re-located that (False) history website (Only a few days later it was taken down), andI found out that in the times of Rome, cows were all pitch black, and were war animals. But they made the mistake of feeding them the milk fruit for energy! At first, all was well. But then, the cows suddenly began to turn white, with only spots of black left on them! And when the battle began, instead of having pathetic soldier lemmings ride them into battle, they ran to the milk fruit trees, and ate every last one! However, they suddenly realized that their stomachs couldn't digest so much milk! And so, it went to their utters, and to this day, we have to help them get all the milk out of them that THEY couldn't handle (Also, that's the website's excuse to why there's no more of these "milk fruits")
Why should WE have to help them with THEIR problems? It seems like a waste of time to me! If you agree, blog readers, then stop milking your cows, and start making them into hamburgers. And think about it: isn't it disturbing that you're drinking something that came out of an animal (Although some of you lemmings think it tastes fine, and know that utters are clean)?
Personally, I prefer SOY milk. For it appears that some of you slightly intelligent lemmings have found what the milk fruit has evolved into: the soy bean. I mean, really. It tastes great, it comes in different flavors, you can even put strawberry or chocolate syrup, and it still tastes gr-- OH *bleep*! Lemmings, forgive me! I was actually saying that I approve of something people actually LIKE!!! It must have been my pitiful brother, Maxo Lemming Forge! He must have brainwashed me in my sleep! Well, no more, Lemmings! Now I will lie, and say soy milk sucks, and that all milk must be wiped off the face of the Earth (But seriously, blog readers: spare the soy milk).
Talk amongst yourselves!
Here's the truth, Lemmings: long ago (At least, according to some unconfirmed information on a fake history website that I read about when I was five years old), the white liquid you idiotically call "milk" actually came from a fruit (No, Lemmings, not "coconut milk." REAL milk)! Then, one day, while I was in the super market, I looked one of the many brands of milk that we didn't buy, and - oh, the horror! - what did I see on that canister? A COW!!!!! NOT A FRUIT (Or vegetable, for that matter)!!!!! I quickly re-located that (False) history website (Only a few days later it was taken down), andI found out that in the times of Rome, cows were all pitch black, and were war animals. But they made the mistake of feeding them the milk fruit for energy! At first, all was well. But then, the cows suddenly began to turn white, with only spots of black left on them! And when the battle began, instead of having pathetic soldier lemmings ride them into battle, they ran to the milk fruit trees, and ate every last one! However, they suddenly realized that their stomachs couldn't digest so much milk! And so, it went to their utters, and to this day, we have to help them get all the milk out of them that THEY couldn't handle (Also, that's the website's excuse to why there's no more of these "milk fruits")
Why should WE have to help them with THEIR problems? It seems like a waste of time to me! If you agree, blog readers, then stop milking your cows, and start making them into hamburgers. And think about it: isn't it disturbing that you're drinking something that came out of an animal (Although some of you lemmings think it tastes fine, and know that utters are clean)?
Personally, I prefer SOY milk. For it appears that some of you slightly intelligent lemmings have found what the milk fruit has evolved into: the soy bean. I mean, really. It tastes great, it comes in different flavors, you can even put strawberry or chocolate syrup, and it still tastes gr-- OH *bleep*! Lemmings, forgive me! I was actually saying that I approve of something people actually LIKE!!! It must have been my pitiful brother, Maxo Lemming Forge! He must have brainwashed me in my sleep! Well, no more, Lemmings! Now I will lie, and say soy milk sucks, and that all milk must be wiped off the face of the Earth (But seriously, blog readers: spare the soy milk).
Talk amongst yourselves!
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